Dreamlover Labs: Shipping Now? March 9, 2011Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: chastity outcomes, clothing, male chastity, Sarah Jameson, Thumper
Back in August, when I first discovered chastity and was reading obsessively on the subject, I came across the website from DreamLover Labs. They purported to be developing a male management device to be used in the process of training your male to be the perfect boyfriend or husband. The device would consist of a receiver attached to the man’s chastity device and a remote control, held by the trainer, that would shock him as a way to correct unwanted behaviors. The idea of male management and the use of the device was supposedly based on male management science and theory, operant conditioning principles, and firm foundation of empirically tested techniques from psychology.
Because I like science and am interested in empirical evidence, I gravitated towards the theory section of the site, rather than the R&D posts of developing the device. I remember my reaction the first time I read some of these articles last summer: “compulsory sodomy,” “forced subjugation,” and this statement:
The male’s penis (the symbol of his manhood) is relegated to a locked and forgotten, unreachable place, without a concrete prospect of becoming erect again. Therefore, long-term chastity is more akin to castration.
This is what I could look forward to as an outcome of locking up my husband?
Once I got over my initial shock, I actually put my thinking cap on and did some research. I could find no empirical evidence supporting a theory of “male management science.” I googled the names of some of their experts, including Susanne Liu, MD and Tomomi Kumakura, PhD. What did I come up with? Nothing except references back to the DreamLover site, or other blogs or sites that had referenced the DreamLover site. I began to realize that maybe this is just a great big elaborate hoax—or fantasy. In fact, I found one comment that said the site is nothing but “porn for women,” and realized that might be true. Once I stopped thinking that this male management stuff is an inevitable consequence of chastity and just started reading it for fun, I could see the hotness in it. There is a part of it that appeals to me, sort of like Chirenon’s mounding fantasies and his pictures. Don’t ask me why—besides, I don’t think it’s a good idea to overanalyze one’s fantasies.
Fast forward six months and DreamLover is blitzing the world (including Ab) with e-mail announcements that their male management system is available for purchase in a limited, first-run production. If you happen to have a spare $1400 in your pocket, you could be one of 57 owners in the US or 27 in the EU/UK. A problem for us is that it is designed to work on the CB-3000 or CB-6000 from A.L. Enterprises—no mention of the CB-6000s, which is the polycarbonate device we have. They describe workarounds for other devices but it is not clear whether or not it would work with stainless steel—I certainly don’t want to electrocute my husband in the process of getting him to be the ideal man! Dead is not ideal in my book…LOL.
Seriously, I’d be very leery of forking over $1400 for an unknown, previously unsold product. But I suppose there are folks out there who would not see this as a financial barrier and will be buying one. If they do, I hope they’ll write about their experiences. I am curious if this is something that will move from the realm of fantasy to reality.
* * * * *
Meanwhile, speaking of limited edition, first run products: my Sexy Period panties are due to be shipped on March 14th. I’ve been invited to the launch party on March 19th and even though it is here in New England (Providence, RI, to be exact) I won’t be attending—it’s just a little too far to drive for a Saturday evening event. However, it’s fun to be part of the excitement, even peripherally, and to see the enthusiasm of these very entrepreneurial young women as they get their business off the ground. They are so much more real and honest, to me, than DreamLover Labs—but that’s just my opinion.
* * * * *
A quiet aside to: Thumper. Welcome back. I missed you during your recent sabbatical. It’s good to have you back, blogging, surveying, and being the all around fun bunny that you are. Your blog was one of the first I found that I read obsessively and now, reading your posts and leaving comments has become a happy habit. I am glad things are back on track.
Also, to Sarah Jameson: Happy one year anniversary to the Male Chastity Blog. This is another resource I found early on and did much to counter the nonsense I was reading at DreamLover Labs. Being a busy blogger myself, I know how much work is involved. Keep it up, Sarah, and congrats on a job well done.
Our Sexual Evolution February 7, 2011Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: chastity lifestyle, chastity outcomes, female orgasm, orgasm denial, Sarah Jameson
Back in August, when we started on our chastity journey, one of the first things I did was read Sarah Jameson’s book, Be Careful What You Wish For. It’s a good book and I certainly recommend it, as I said in this review. One concept that was new to me, however, and which Sarah discussed quite a bit, was the idea of tease and denial.
I can hear you snickering now. “You didn’t know about teasing?”
Well, of course I did. The thing is, I called that foreplay. And foreplay needed to be followed by middleplay and endplay. In other words, we’d do lots of teasing but eventually we got to the main event: intercourse. I had orgasms on a somewhat inconsistent basis. For a long time Ab always did get to come but as I have related, in recent years that was a problem—one that became more apparent as we started in with chastity.
So, I had to reframe my thinking around tease and denial.
Once I discovered that Ab’s mantra, “Your pleasure is my pleasure” was true, I started getting selfish. I’d tease him and make him moan and groan, but every single sexual encounter had to end with me having an orgasm. And it was pretty great. I’d hazard a guess that I had more orgasms from September through January (five months) than I had in the previous five years.
Maybe I overdid it or got a little punch drunk from the experience, but things seem to be shifting here in February.
We’re still having lots of sex but I am realizing it’s okay for me to be teased, too. I don’t have to get all the way to orgasm. In fact, here it is, February 7th and so far, only a nickel has gone into the orgasm glass this month. But I am still having lots of fun and getting teased and feeling all tingly and hot all over. I am not complaining about the lack of orgasms but realizing that it seems to be a shift in the way we do things in bed.
(I find I am also fantasizing a lot more about spanking Ab and getting myself really hot with that idea.)
The other day, I downloaded and read the sample of Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow by Marnia Robinson. I am not sure I am going to buy the book and read the whole thing because frankly, it seems like one of those books that has one basic idea that is repeated ad infinitum for 400+ pages. (Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá had the same problem, which is why I gave up reading that about one-third of the way in. But I digress.) Anyway, Robinson’s thesis is that what we typically engage in is procreative, that is, orgasmic sex. She advocates, instead, bonding-based sex which is non-orgasmic but still mutually satisfying. Bonding-based sex is advantageous because it alters the release of various hormones and chemicals in our bodies which in turn affects our mood. Kelmag wrote a very good synopsis of all of this on his blog which you can read here; Robinson and her husband Gary maintain a website called Reuniting where they also expound on their ideas.
Living with a mostly non-orgasmic man for the past six months, I can certainly see changes in his demeanor which may very well be the result of internal biochemical changes. The thing that is surprising to me is that I suddenly seem to be moving in the same direction—or at least okay with the idea. That’s a change that has occurred and been noticeable to me in the past week or so.
Is this a true shift or just the by-product of a long winter with a serious case of cabin fever? Who knows. Time will tell.
The thing that is interesting to me as I move through this process is that I am having a greater awareness of how different activities, such as spanking, can be intensely erotic. I didn’t completely understand that before but my mind is opening more to these experiences as part of our sexual repertoire.
Comments, as always, are welcome particularly because this is area I am still working through in my mind and I suspect I will be revisiting within the blog.
“Ruined” Orgasm? October 5, 2010Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: chastity outcomes, Jailbird, orgasm denial, Sarah Jameson
I got home from work last night and asked Ab to change the key from the left side to the right (again). The left nipple has always been the more tender one so the key just doesn’t want to stay there long-term.
“I guess we gave each other quite a workout this morning,” Ab said, as he unhooked the clasp.
“Oh?” I said, quirking an eyebrow.
“I was a little sore all day,” he answered, “especially on the left side.”
“So tell me…what exactly was that little squirt of yours? What was going on?”
“I mean, was that semen? Or pre-come? Or something else?”
“I don’t know…it was just as dark on my side of the bed as it was on yours.”
“Well, what did it feel like?” I asked.
He shrugged again. “It felt like an orgasm,” he said. “Or at least, it felt like ejaculation. Ejaculation without a hard on? Is that an orgasm?”
“I don’t know,” I answered. “Was it one of those ruined orgasms I keep reading about?”
He shook his head. “From where I sit, no orgasm is ever ruined.”
And that’s the conundrum for us. We really don’t get this ruined orgasm thing.
Sarah Jameson writes about it in her book and then in her newsletter a week or two ago, she wrote about a really spectacular ruined orgasm that John had on a Wednesday evening. I read about it, still confused and asked one of my email correspondents if he could offer any insight. He wrote:
It was ruined not because it wasn’t during intercourse but rather because she stopped stimulating him before he actually ‘came’ or had his orgasm. It is hard to explain. Have you ever driven down a ‘weee’ road? You know the one where your stomach king of goes weightless as you crest the little hill. It is kind of like you gather speed toward the hill and just before the crest you let off the gas. The momentum of the car still carries you over the hill but you don’t get the ‘weee’ part. A ruined orgasm is a little like that. Your body still carries you to the point of ejaculation but there is no satisfaction. At all. You can see it. You can feel it spasm. There is just no pleasure. It will leave one very frustrated. And extremely horny still. At this point most men wouldn’t be able to have an orgasm even if they wanted to. The body is spent but the emotion and desire is still there.
So would I desire this? Yes, absolutely. Why? I have no idea. We have done this in the past (way past) a little but my memory of the feeling afterward isn’t very clear.
I read this to Ab and asked his opinion. He said the description and so on was very clear and made sense, but he didn’t think this had ever happened to him. It certainly was not something that was in my mind that we had ever done together.
I wonder if, for non-chastity folks, are ruined orgasms part of their play? Somehow it’s something that Ab and I have been missing all these years? Or is it really an experience that is more-or-less exclusive to the chastity life? Part of the whole tease and denial element of the game?
Comments are welcome. And we still don’t know if the whatever-that-happened yesterday was a ruined orgasm.
* * * * *
Jailbird Update: As regular readers will know, the JB got locked on (requiring two people and four hands) on Thursday evening. Ab has been wearing it continuously since then…no cleaning breaks, size adjustment breaks or anything else. He says it is quite comfortable. Yesterday his balls were sore but I think that was more an outcome of our vigorous workout at 5 am versus a size or fitting issue. He has commented that the snug fit offsets the extra weight so that has not been a problem (which it was in the big honking Birdcage).
We have a second ring now—1 5/8″ which would be 1/8″ smaller than the one he is in now. Ab looked skeptical and I said that we don’t need to change right now—if he ever needs to change, actually. We’ll see where we’re at on Sunday night.
All in all, I can say that the Jailbird seems to be a very good investment and I think we estimated correctly on the size.
The Stages of Chastity: DLMC October 2, 2010Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: chastity lifestyle, chastity outcomes, conceptual model, DLMC, Sarah Jameson, women and chastity
I am a conceptual sort of person and thus I like to develop frameworks or models to explain things. I’ve been pondering a conceptual framework for chastity. I certainly don’t have it all figured out but I thought I post a few initial ideas with the hope to get some feedback so I can refine this. Once it is done, I can make it official with a very detailed illustration and accompanying narrative, which I can then publish in a scientific journal to worldwide acclaim.
Or I can blab about it here, which is the more likely scenario.
In the Devoted Lover Model of Chastity (DLMC), I tentatively have identified three major phases and two sub-phases, as follows:
- Getting to Headspace
- The Home Stretch
- Diminishing Returns
It’s a circular cycle that repeats: the first time a man is locked up and then again, after orgasm (whether that is minutes, hours, days, or weeks) the process begins with Getting to Headspace. However, because this is a model that exists in time, it is a spiral versus a closed circle, because people (couples) grow and mature as they go through the process. Thus, each chastity cycle is different and potentially more fulfilling, as couples learn from each experience. Conceptually, however, the phases in each cycle are the same or very similar.
Getting to Headspace. This is the first phase after a device is placed on a man and locked. Sarah Jameson suggests that this phase may take 7 to 10 days although I think for those experienced with chastity, it may come more quickly because a man prefers the Chastity Nirvana (headspace) phase more than the process of getting to it and has the experience of knowing how to get there. During Getting to Headspace a man experiences a variety of feelings including excitement, amazement, a bit of wonder (this is particularly true for men who have long fantasized about chastity and suddenly are seeing it as a dream come true), and of course, horniness. Negative feelings may also surface: crankiness and frustration, in particular. These feelings have a ying-yang quality which comes from a very basic conflict that a man is struggling with during this period, that of giving up control. Chastity is a consensual power exchange (at least the way Ab and I are playing the game, and that seems to be true for most of the people I have conversed with on various forums). Even though a man may say to his keyholder, “I have given you control,” the minute the lock is clicked and the key handed over, I don’t think that control is truly and completely given until the man moves out of the Getting to Headspace phase of the process. The hallmark of this phase is the need for the man to resolve these conflicting feelings and accept that the keyholder is in control. It is the resolution of this inner conflict that allows the man to move forward to Chastity Nirvana.
Chastity Nirvana. The peaceful, Zen-like feeling of being locked up accompanied by a desire to want to be locked up. During this phase a man can’t imagine being any other way and in fact, gets anxious at the thought of not being locked up. The conflict of Getting to Headspace has been resolved and he is able to fully relax and enjoy the feelings of sexual excitement, tension, arousal, and desire that are present within his body and mind. Finding an appropriate outlet for these feelings is when a man begins to focus on the object of his desire who is, typically, his wife and keyholder. How these feelings are manifested seem to vary. The conventional wisdom suggests that men become more caring, affectionate, and attentive. This may translate into becoming more helpful around the house, offering to do more chores and so on. For a man who hasn’t been doing this previously, this might be the most remarkable change his wife will notice. In fact, for men who are trying to entice their wives into a chastity lifestyle, this seems to be the carrot that they dangle. The promise of being a better husband, particularly in ways that will be readily apparent, certainly would seem to be an appealing outcome to a woman.
(As an aside, since Ab was already doing a ton of stuff around the house, this change wasn’t particularly noticeable to me. However, he has certainly been more caring and loving during his time in chastity.)
Beyond household chores, the bigger and more important change comes in the area of sexual relations. Because the man has resolved his conflict and given up control, he is able now to focus on his wife. “Her pleasure is my pleasure” is the mantra of Chastity Nirvana. From everything I have read, this seems to be true. The challenge for the wife/keyholder is to fully believe, accept, and embrace this principle. Since women have been socialized to believe that men are sexually dominant, it takes a bit of mental work to realize that a man is offering up his orgasms—the traditional measure of “pleasure”—in exchange for her complete and total pleasure.
For the woman, this is actually her phase of Getting to Headspace. For some women, they never fully achieve headspace and thus don’t arrive at their own personal phase of Chastity Nirvana. Hopefully, having a conceptual framework to explain the process can help a woman to resolve this issue, if this is something that is bothering her (again, this is directed to any “reluctant wives” who might be reading this).
It seems that Chastity Nirvana can go on indefinitely, provided that both members of the couple keep their interest and attention focused on the experience of chastity. This is where I think it is very important that the elements of chastity being a game come into play. Making it a game keeps it fun and lighthearted. Even though there is some important emotional work going on within both members of the couple, there is no need for that to be a serious, dour experience. Also, making it a game makes it easier to keep the attention level high. No man wants to be “locked and left.” Just because his penis is not longer available for stimulation doesn’t mean the rest of his body and mind should be forgotten!
Chastity Nirvana has two sub-phases, one of which I am more sure about than the other.
The Home Stretch. It seems that most men have some sense of when they are going to be released. Even if they don’t know an exact date, it seems that keyholders like to drop hints: “around your birthday,” “Christmas,” “after the first of the year.” Some men do have an exact date and even though that may change, they still anticipate their release. As they get closer to the date, real or anticipated, they move into the Home Stretch.
The Home Stretch seems to be fraught with a tinge of anxiety as well as anticipation. Chastity Nirvana, is, at its essence, a peaceful phase, even though the man is experiencing a high level of sexual excitement throughout (another paradox of chastity: being highly aroused can be peaceful and Zen-like). In the Home Stretch, the man begins to anticipate the feeling of being released and the opportunity to orgasm that has been denied for a period of time. Knowing that “the end is near” heightens the sexual excitement and tension. At the same time, there is anxiety, knowing that if he is released, he will need to begin the entire chastity process again. I think all people tend to resist change and being in the Home Stretch is an anticipation of change and thus stressful. The pleasurable outcome of having an orgasm heightens this internal conflict. Just as Getting to Headspace is a phase of internal conflict, so is the Home Stretch.
Diminishing Returns. This is a phase I am truly not sure about, but things I have read suggest to me that it exists.
While I said that Chastity Nirvana can go on indefinitely, it seems that there is a point where the sexual energy and tension of chastity will eventually plateau and then begin to decline. While the fantasy of “permanent orgasm denial” is a powerful one, it seems that a man does need to be released and orgasm in order to keep the entire cycle of chastity alive. Many couples seem to experiment with prolonged periods of chastity in an effort to see just how far they can push the Chastity Nirvana phase and also find where they reach the plateau and decline of Diminishing Returns. Some never seem to get there which is probably why not many people discuss this. However, one woman did write me and say that she and her husband have learned that two weeks is their best “length of cycle.” She said they did go for a month, once, but after that experience she discovered that for them, it was better to keep their game short and focused. Realizing that has made it a very positive experience and they are fully committed to their chastity lifestyle.
Orgasm. The final phase. Not too much to say about this since it’s pretty obvious what it is! But a few comments are in order.
First, the pleasure reverts back to the man. “My pleasure is my pleasure,” and I think this is true, even in men who have their orgasms controlled (frequency, how, when) even when they are not locked up. Second, the power goes back to the man or at least becomes more equally shared by the couple. Last, the feelings of anticipation and tension disappear since those factors no longer exist and will not exist, again, until the man is locked up, either mentally (honor system) or physically by a device.
How much both members of the couple enjoy the feelings of the chastity process will determine how much and how deeply they play the game. For some couples, it is an integral part of their lifestyle. For others, it is a game that is played occasionally. For some men, it is a game that they play in a somewhat solo fashion if their wife is unwilling to participate or not fully on board or half-hearted in her interest.
- Newcomers to chastity may not get out of the Getting to Headspace phase their first few times. The sexual frustration and tension of that phase may be so overwhelming that it pushes all other feelings aside and the only resolution is orgasm. This explains why many people will have short lock-ups at the beginning: overnight, a few days, a week. But as the feelings of tension and frustration become more familiar, they are able to process those emotions and begin to experience the amazement and wonder more fully, and also complete the work of the consensual power exchange.
- It is possible to go right from nirvana to orgasm without any experience of home stretch or diminishing returns. Cricketed wrote about this recently in his blog when he was asked to orgasm, and did, upon request of his wife. Even though it was a request—a demand even—it was still a pleasurable experience and not a “ruined orgasm.”
- The desire to find the outer limit of Chastity Nirvana explains why many couples keep lengthening their periods of lock-up with each subsequent lock-up. To those who read blogs or forum posts, it may look like a bit of a competition: “I went 100 days!” “Well, bully for you, I went 200!” While the competitive aspect is fun, I think it is important to remember that the ultimate determination of a lock-up period is the couple’s personal experience. A couple that keeps the cycle short, ie, two weeks, is just as successful as the marathon couple who go for months. In fact, maybe they are even more successful because they do know their outer limit, while many of the marathoners do not.
- This model is built on the principle of consensual power exchange versus total power exchange. TPE is the principle that informs Master/slave relationships and defines couples where one person has given up all control to all aspects of their life and body to the other person. While this might occur for a few hours during a “scene,” many like to present it as a complete lifestyle that is lived 365/24/7. How many couples live this way is a matter of debate.
A consensual power exchange, on the other hand, is more focused. Within the context of chastity, a man gives up control of his penis and orgasms, and perhaps other things, such as not being able to play erotically with his nipples. But CPE in a chaste couple exists within the context of their chastity experience; I have not read about, for example, a man being asked to crawl around the house only on his hands and knees and be forced to eat his meals from a dog bowl. TPE couples do claim that as part of their experience, although how much is real and how much is fantasy is another matter.
I also think this helps to explain some of the issues around the word “submissive.” A TPE submissive is very different from a CPE submissive and some men may not see themselves as submissive at all—and that may be very true to their experience. Because people come at this word from differing conceptual perspectives, it creates conflict when they try to discuss whether a chaste person is submissive or not.
I would love to discuss this more in-depth so that I can inform and refine my thoughts with input from others. Please feel free to comment here on the blog. I have also started a thread at the Chastity Forum, which can be found here. Sometimes forum posts are more conducive to ongoing and in-depth discussion, so I have created the opportunity for that to occur.
Thanks for reading. I look forward to what folks have to say.
Finding Your Inner Kinkster September 27, 2010Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: being in public, chastity lifestyle, Dan Savage, fetish, kinky, Sarah Jameson, women and chastity
1 comment so far
I received an email from a guy asking my advice on various chastity devices. Since I have experience with two (and we’re waiting impatiently for number three) I told him what I could, for which he thanked me. He then went on to say that at the present moment, he and his wife are practicing chastity on the honor system. Her reluctance to having him wear a device stemmed from her concern that it was too kinky.
That got me thinking about the idea of “too kinky.” Where exactly is the threshold and when does one hit the limit?
If you subscribe to the Dan Savage concept of being GGG together (good, giving, game) then the threshold for “too kinky” is defined by the couple. Chastity works well in this paradigm. Person A brings up the idea. Person B says, “I’ll think about it,” and then after thinking says, “Let’s give it a try.” They try it for awhile and it either works or it doesn’t. This is actually where Ab and I are right now. We’re trying it. He has been very willing to wear a device and let me call the shots about when it comes off and when he has an orgasm. He has also set limits on how long we’ll try this game—currently at six months. Maybe it will get extended longer (right now, I am hoping so) or perhaps we’ll decide that this was fun but it’s not really for us. The point is, even if one person in the couple thinks something is weird or kinky, s/he is willing to open his/her mind to give the experience a fair shake. That’s being GGG.
I am trying to think of something where I might flat out refuse. Fetishes involving bodily discharges (semen excepted, of course) don’t really turn me on. If Ab asked me to pee on his face? I might counter with, “Exactly how am I supposed to do this? You know we have a really small bathroom and I don’t want to do this in bed.” (There’s a good way of wiggling out of something! LOL). Other discharges (I am not going to get too specific here)…I would probably say no. Thing is, I don’t think he is going to ask.
Following this train of thought, if Ab asked me to do something that involved a public display, I would probably have a hard time with that. As I said in another post, I am not an exhibitionist. If Ab said he wanted to wear a wig, make-up, and a dress and go out to dinner, I am not sure I could accede to his request. I am willing to be kinky in private but our sex lives and kinks are not necessarily things I want to share with others. But if was really important to him, I’d try to work it through in my mind and find a way where I could say yes—or at least come up with an acceptable compromise.
Thinking about this also made me realize: many—most—kinks easily hidden. Even though Ab is wearing a CB and I have the key on my nipple ring, no one outside of us will ever see or know that (of course, my thousands of readers are privy to this private bit of our lives. ). Yes, a trip to the emergency room might blow our cover (as I mused here) but in that rare instance, chastity is probably going to be the last thing on our minds.
A man who likes to wear lacy panties under his business attire (I suspect this is actually quite common), a woman who likes to wear men’s BVDs—who is ever going to see this, or care? No one. What are kinks that might be visible? Hitting a person to the point that you leave evidence, such as a black eye? (Is that a kink, or abuse?) Fetishes involving hair or nails, both of which take time to grow? Make-up is easy to put on and wash off, as are clothes. Piercings, body modifications? Again, easily hidden. For certain body mods, I think they veer into obsessions, not kinks. See the The Lizardman for an example of this.
Going back to my original email, he said his wife was wondering if it is “too kinky.” I suppose, for a lot of very vanilla people, chastity is kinky. I don’t see it that way—as Sarah Jameson says, it is a gateway kink—but I have come to realize that I have a kinky streak that is a mile wide so I might not be the best judge of what other women are thinking and feeling.
But, maybe it’s not a GGG issue. Maybe it’s a “good girl” issue or “if someone knew I was doing this…” (which seems to be intimately tied up with being a good girl).
I’ve already established that chastity is a private kink. No one, outside of you and your husband/partner needs to know nor is there any way they will easily find out. Bringing up sexual topics in casual conversation with friends or acquaintances just doesn’t happen—at least in my experience (maybe I need new friends!). And if it does come up, then there is probably a reason for the interest. So instead of worrying about being judged negatively, think about being judged positively. “You’re doing what? Oh fuck, I wish I was brave enough to try that…”
Of course, the “good girls” will never be able to see it positively and that will, unfortunately, bring out your inner good girl who in turn, tell you what you are doing is wrong. But it’s not. Women need to learn how to banish their inner good girl—or at least the one who rules the sex roost.
It’s the Madonna/whore conundrum. Men want whores but they marry Madonnas (and no, I don’t mean the singer!). But once you’re married, it’s okay to let loose. And I think, husbands want this. They want their wife to be their beloved life partner and their sexual fantasy. Women, unfortunately, repress those fantasies. That is the reason that for the vast majority of couples who are exploring chastity, it was originally the man’s idea. That statement is probably true for a whole lot of other kinks, too. Men want it, women say no. But the thing is, ladies, if we want to be sexually adventurous, if we want to keep a marriage interesting and sustainable for the long-term, we need to find the kinkster who lives inside.
I started finding my inner kink about three weeks after our wedding. I have a very clear memory of doing some really fun stuff with a wine bottle. Of course, the next morning, the good girl came out and lectured me. This was the pattern for a long time: try something, feel guilty, retreat until the next time that kinky Dev reasserted herself. It took a long time—years—before I could finally accept that I like sex with a decided edge to it. Now I know I am constantly looking for the next edge. Thus, chastity.
So…my email friend…show this post to your wife. Tell her it gave me some good food for thought and I enjoyed thinking this through in my mind. Have her sit down at the computer with you and look at the CB devices and the ones from Mature Metal, along with any other sites you have bookmarked. Tell her they’ll arrive in a plain brown box…the postman won’t know what he’s delivering (besides, he could care less). Tell her that this is important for you and she’ll enjoy the outcome.
Tell her that being kinky is okay. Because…it really is.
Good luck and report back.
From the Mailbag: I September 4, 2010Posted by Dev in Correspondence, Musings.
Tags: chastity lifestyle, chastity outcomes, e-mail, key holder, Sarah Jameson, women and chastity
I received a very nice email yesterday from a woman who discovered my blog through Sarah Jameson’s newsletter. She wrote, “We are a similar couple.” She is married with two pre-teen daughters. Her husband has been wearing a chastity device for eleven months. They originally got it “for fun and to spice things up with some excitement.” That happened, but the she said the bigger benefit to her marriage was improved communication around feelings and ideas. She wrote:
[My husband] is really forced to keep a focus here. If I am not happy and I don’t want to play—he doesn’t either. He is thus highly motivated in keeping real communication open to enhance our relationship. The result has been that neither of us takes the other for granted and we really have to keep the understanding. The rest is easy.
I can definitely relate. As a matter of fact, Ab and I went through a very rough patch in our marriage this past winter. We were arguing—a lot—and since both of us are very conflict-avoidant, it was not a happy time for us. We finally turned the corner in May and have been working hard on good communication ever since. Our chastity explorations have enhanced this as we have been talking more and really sharing some deep and personal feelings. This is a good thing. It is also the point I was trying to make in my “I Had To Bite My Tongue” post from the other day. I think it is easy for couples to get into a communication rut. Sometimes, something drastic may be required to shift the dynamic of the conversation that is constantly repeating itself and not moving forward. Chastity might be an appropriate option for some couples, as my email correspondent so clearly showed.
She added that she and her husband are not into BDSM or a slave/master relationship (the latter is definitely true for me; as for BDSM, I have been known to tie my husband up on occasion, most recently as last night—I think of it as “BDSM-lite”). She did say that by being his keyholder she does have control in the bedroom—and she likes that.
Sarah Jameson warned me to expect email from weirdos and I am sure I will receive plenty of that. But, it was refreshing that my first private message did come from someone who is totally sane and normal—just like me. I’ve replied privately but here’s a public shout-out: Thanks for taking the time to write.
I’m Flattered! September 3, 2010Posted by Dev in Opinions.
Tags: chastity lifestyle, male chastity, Sarah Jameson, women and chastity
I got a great big shout-out in Sarah Jameson’s newsletter this week!
Sarah, as I am sure everyone who is reading this knows, is the author of Be Careful What You Wish For (reviewed here) and the hostess of the Male Chastity Blog. She also has a free newsletter, Something for the Weekend, which, if you are a subscriber, will land in your emailbox on Friday.
One week of blogging and I rated a whole column this week’s issue: “It’s Not Just About the Men.” I definitely am flattered. Thanks, Sarah!
Seriously, she understands what I am trying to do here: present my thoughts, feelings, impressions, and experiences with male chastity from a woman’s point of view. I hope this information is useful for men and women who read this blog.
Sarah likes the title I selected—she says it is delightful—and notes that I write with humor and intelligence (well, she says humour). Phew! My cheeks are red!
Okay, enough mutual admiration for today. But I do appreciate the publicity and the sincere acknowledgement and understanding of what I am working to accomplish—that is, safe, sane, and useful information about male chastity—both for my own personal journey and also to help others with theirs.
Thanks Sarah, and thanks to all who read and comment. Newcomers who are here because of the newsletter, welcome. I hope this site is useful to you.
Review: Be Careful What You Wish For August 31, 2010Posted by Dev in Reviews.
Tags: book review, male chastity, Sarah Jameson
Title: Be Careful What You Wish For
Author: Sarah Jameson
Length: 277 pages
Format: PDF (ebook); MP3 for audio
Rating: 5 stars out of 5
If you are considering male chastity or thinking about bringing it up with a loved one, this is certainly a fortuitous time, considering that Be Careful What You Wish For just hit the streets. The subtitle, “The ultimate guide to male chastity” certainly tells you all you need to know about what this book covers. Even the most casual Internet search will bring up Sarah Jameson, her blog (The Male Chastity Blog), her newsletter, and now, this book. She provides lots of useful information for free in the blog and newsletter; the book is worth purchasing because she compiles it all together in one place, adds new info, and presents it all in a neat, tidy, an organized package that is very easy to read.
If you are familiar with Sarah’s blog (and if you’re not, you should be), you know she has a friendly, open, and welcoming writing style that makes readers feel like they talking to Sarah one-on-one over a cup of tea. For the woman who is freaking out because her husband just said to her, “Honey, I want you to lock up my cock in a plastic or steel device for weeks, months…maybe years…,” Sarah provides a reassuring, “Don’t worry, dear…he’s not crazy and if you actually consider what he is asking, you may find your life changes dramatically…and for the better!”
The book is nicely organized with chapters, sub-chapters, and appendices that introduce the concept of male chastity, provide useful useful definitions, discuss the details such as “who is right for chastity?”, “how to introduce the idea” (and have the resulting conversation) and practicalities of living a chaste life on a day-to-day basis. The appendices (which I think are the weakest part of the book) delve into issues that go beyond chastity (slaves, cuckholding, BDSM); provide a sample contract and include resources on where to buy devices, fitness, and three (not particularly) titillating stories. The appendices are only about one-third of the book—what you are paying for, and the value that you get comes in the content proper where Sarah very clearly details—using her own experience and information gleaned from other resources—what living a male chastity lifestyle really means, for the man and woman (or man and man) who are interested in experiencing it. (As an aside, Sarah notes that she has not encountered female couples who are interested in chastity; I know that there are stone butch lesbians who live a sort of chaste life but their experience, from what I have read, is so far removed from a male chastity lifestyle that Sarah’s guide and its information would be of absolutely no use to that audience.)
Sarah identifies three potential audiences: 1) men who are interested in a chaste lifestyle and want to introduce the idea to their wife/partner; 2) women who have a man who has brought up the topic and want more information; and 3) women who want have their husband/man participate in chastity. Sarah and her husband John fall into group number one (which by her reckoning, is the largest); my husband and I are members of group number three (which according to Sarah, is a very rare group indeed! Oh well, I was never a conformist…LOL). While the book is written from her particular perspective and it is clear that that is what she knows, I still found lots of useful information that pertained to me and helped me understand the exploration that I am currently going through with my husband.
There is no empirical research on male chastity and a lot of what is out there is anecdotal, at best. I appreciated Sarah’s down-to-earth, honest and straightforward approach. Statements such as, “Chastity is a gateway kink,” (how very liberating to read that!) and the idea to approach chastity as a game—granted, a game that might go on for years or the rest of your lives but at the end of the day, it is just a game—work very well to defusing and de-weirding the whole concept of male chastity.
If you are a man who has been agonizing over the idea of chastity and how to bring it up to your partner, you would be wise to buy this book and read it from cover to cover (or listen to the MP3). Sarah very clearly details what chastity can and cannot do. If your marriage (or relationship) is a wreck and you cannot talk to your partner—or worse, the sight of you makes her skin crawl—bringing in chastity as a solution is not going to work. On the other hand, if your self-analysis after reading the book makes it seem that chastity is a viable and reasonable option, then Sarah provides details on how to have the conversation and move forward in exploring chastity. “Having the conversation” might be as simple as handing over the book and asking your loved one to read it. Like I said, the easy, conversational writing style will go a long way to defusing a potentially volatile conversation.
I am not the exact target audience that Sarah is writing to, but then, I don’t know if anybody is. We all come at our sexuality and sexual lives with all sorts of past experiences, traumas, dreams, and future hopes. The strength of the book is that it is written broadly enough—and in a non-judgmental, neutral way—to allow the majority of readers to find useful information that makes it well worth the purchase price of $30-$40.