If You’ve Seen One Chastity Relationship… April 15, 2011Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: chastity lifestyle, male chastity, vibrator, women and chastity
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…you’ve seen one chastity relationship. In other words, it’s not a case of, “If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.”
This thought occurred to me today when I received a nice email from a very new keyholder—20 days locked up for her husband. She wrote:
I love everything about it but I’m confused as to how controlling and dominant role I should play. Can you please give me some insight as to how to continue with this lifestyle?
I was flattered to be asked and wanted to give her a good, helpful response. As I thought about it, I realized that don’t know how controlling and dominant a role she should play. That’s something that each couple needs to experiment with and find out on their own.
Now that I have met—in person—another chaste couple, this point was driven home even more for me. L, K, Ab, and I have lots of things in common, including our conceptualization of chastity. But we don’t operationalize it the same way. L goes for very long periods locked, without a single break (he should be up to about six weeks, now, if my math is correct). K is in total charge of the key and L has no idea where it is. Contrast that with us where I have gotten away from micro-managing Ab’s Watchful Mistress. The expectation is that he’ll be locked the majority of the time; if perchance he is out of his device (for bathing or just a little break due to discomfort) that doesn’t mean he can have an orgasm. He knows those are strictly controlled by me.
Ab told me once that not having access to the screwdriver would be a game-changer (ie, changing us right out of the game. LOL). I know that for many women, the symbolism of having and controlling the key is extremely important and a large part of what motivates them to stay with chastity. Clearly my arrangement wouldn’t work for them but understanding this has been an important part of the learning process.
I’ve tried to make it clear in this blog that I am writing about our experience and journey with chastity. If some of my insights and new knowledge is helpful to others, great! But I don’t expect others to “do” chastity the way Ab and I do. For chastity to be effective and really work it has to be individualized and that applies to every dimension of the experience from type of device to duration of lock-up to styles of tease and denial. What works for me may not work for you…(although L did seem to enjoy my teasing technique! ).
So, to newcomer wife I offer these suggestions as you learn about chastity:
- Read widely but don’t take everything at face value. Remember that anyone can be anyone on the Internet and there are some “chastity imposters” out there who post their fantasies under the guise of real life.
- The Keyheld resource is a good place to start to find a variety of blogs that are pretty real and down-to-earth.
- The Chastity Forum is also a good resource full of real-life people.
- Talk to your husband. I can’t stress this enough. Good, honest, and open communication is crucial. How else are you going to figure out what’s working for both of you if you don’t talk about it?
- Remember that this is supposed to be fun. You may find some aspects of chastity are life changing and that’s a little amazing, but don’t lose your sense of humor in the process.
- If you don’t own one already, go and buy yourself a Hitachi and have your husband learn to use it effectively. In fact, just start thinking about toys in general. This is part of the fun.
Last but not least (and yes, I am going to blow my own horn)—I hope you’ll take time to peruse this blog. Please feel free to leave comments and if you want to send me questions privately, either through the Feedback page or via email, please do. I started writing this in large part because I did not see good resources out there for women and I wanted to do my little bit to change that. I hope you find the information helpful!
Good luck on your journey!
Sometimes You’re Just Not in the Mood April 9, 2011Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: chastity lifestyle, chastity outcomes, male chastity
I think it is fair to say that Ab and I both have quite active libidos and we’re pretty well matched in the sex drive department. I think a mismatch is a source of stress and conflict for many couples; I am grateful that we don’t have that problem.
That said, it doesn’t mean that we both want to have sex all the time or always at the same time. I can think of times in the past where I would pull the, “Not tonight, honey, I have a headache,” routine. Actually, the more likely scenario was that I would pretend to be asleep as a way to discourage his advances.
That, thankfully, hasn’t happened in ages. One great thing that chastity has done for is make us much more honest with each other about our wants, needs, and desires. Of course, we’re still not 100% in sync about when we want to play around. That would be unrealistic, for any couple, including us. Even so, I’ve realized in the past few weeks that when one or the other of us demurs from having sex, we are able to do so in a loving, polite, and respectful way, which is a far cry from fake headaches and feigning sleep. And that, overall, is a very good thing indeed.
As an example: last Saturday, when we were in San Francisco, Ab woke himself up with a little suckling, which is one of his favorite things to do. It felt good but it wasn’t giving me that twinge of “I want more” that I usually get. His hand moved across my body in his very practiced and familiar way. He played a little and was patient but I just didn’t respond. After a few minutes he stopped. I was a little surprised at that and asked why. He said, “I could tell you weren’t into it. Your mind seemed to be a million miles away.” He was right. Last Saturday was my big day of work and I was keyed up about that—more so than I realized. But my body could tell and it was clear that the pleasure synapses weren’t making it through from the nerve endings to my brain and vice versa.
But it was all okay. He wasn’t annoyed that I didn’t put out and I wasn’t annoyed about any unwanted advances. We both just acknowledged where we were at the moment.
Fast forward one week. It’s Saturday and we’re back at home. Today is the day the new rescue poodle comes to live with us. On top of that, Ab is suddenly very busy at work. He has a ton of stuff to sand and his hand has been cramping. Early this morning, we’re lying together, just quietly talking, and he keeps clenching and unclenching his fist. I reach over and take his hand and give him a hand massage. He thanked me, said that felt good. Then my hand shifts to his cock cage and I proceed with changing the hand massage to a cock and ball massage. Ab doesn’t flinch away or anything but he also doesn’t seem to have any sort of reaction—no “tree trunk erection” as I have nicknamed it. After a few minutes I comment on this and he says, yeah, he’s just not focused this morning, he has other things on his mind. “That’s okay,” I say. “There will be other times.”
So, it seems that maybe we’ve discovered another hidden benefit of chastity. We’ve become very relaxed about sex. It’s comfortable and natural and very good for us. When it happens—which is often—it’s great. When it doesn’t, that’s okay too.
I’ve read about many couples who argue about sex and discover chastity as a way to deal with that problem. That wasn’t an issue for us. Still, even though things were good, I’ve realized another way that chastity is making our sex life and, in turn, our life overall, even better. Funny how that works.
Monthly Orgasm Glass Round-Up April 8, 2011Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: chastity outcomes, female orgasm, male chastity, orgasm denial, orgasm glass
Just to refresh everyone’s memory and bring us up-to-date, here is the inventory of the coins in the orgasm glass:
January: 94 cents with 2 quarters, 1 dime, 5 nickels, and 8 pennies
February: 57 cents with 1 quarter, 5 nickels, and 7 pennies
March: 49 cents with 1 quarter, 1 Franc, 3 nickels, and 9 pennies
March was notable because that was the first month with a Franc for a ruined orgasm. It preceded the quarter-worthy real orgasm by about 20 minutes. I wasn’t sure if Ab would be up for it (pun intended) but he met and exceeded all my expectations. His too.
April has started off spectacularly well with back-to-back dime-earning multiple orgasmic experiences for me. It was nice to discover that Ab’s not the only man out there who is extremely effective at wielding a Hitachi. This is a definite skill that all men, especially chaste men, should have in their sexual repertoire. Believe me, the women in your lives will thank you for it.
Your Opinion on the DL2K March 10, 2011Posted by Dev in Polls.
Tags: devices, DreamLover, male chastity
I had a ton of views on the blog yesterday–not a record, but close–which suggests to me that there is a great deal of interest in the DreamLover male management system. It is intriguing–it is real? A hoax? Is the thing actually shipping or is this a great big scam to separate gullible consumers from their money? Anyway, I decided to create a poll. You tell me…what do you think of the DL2K MMS?
Note that there is an “other” choice but please feel free to leave comments in the comment section, too! I look forward to reading your opinions.
Dreamlover Labs: Shipping Now? March 9, 2011Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: chastity outcomes, clothing, male chastity, Sarah Jameson, Thumper
Back in August, when I first discovered chastity and was reading obsessively on the subject, I came across the website from DreamLover Labs. They purported to be developing a male management device to be used in the process of training your male to be the perfect boyfriend or husband. The device would consist of a receiver attached to the man’s chastity device and a remote control, held by the trainer, that would shock him as a way to correct unwanted behaviors. The idea of male management and the use of the device was supposedly based on male management science and theory, operant conditioning principles, and firm foundation of empirically tested techniques from psychology.
Because I like science and am interested in empirical evidence, I gravitated towards the theory section of the site, rather than the R&D posts of developing the device. I remember my reaction the first time I read some of these articles last summer: “compulsory sodomy,” “forced subjugation,” and this statement:
The male’s penis (the symbol of his manhood) is relegated to a locked and forgotten, unreachable place, without a concrete prospect of becoming erect again. Therefore, long-term chastity is more akin to castration.
This is what I could look forward to as an outcome of locking up my husband?
Once I got over my initial shock, I actually put my thinking cap on and did some research. I could find no empirical evidence supporting a theory of “male management science.” I googled the names of some of their experts, including Susanne Liu, MD and Tomomi Kumakura, PhD. What did I come up with? Nothing except references back to the DreamLover site, or other blogs or sites that had referenced the DreamLover site. I began to realize that maybe this is just a great big elaborate hoax—or fantasy. In fact, I found one comment that said the site is nothing but “porn for women,” and realized that might be true. Once I stopped thinking that this male management stuff is an inevitable consequence of chastity and just started reading it for fun, I could see the hotness in it. There is a part of it that appeals to me, sort of like Chirenon’s mounding fantasies and his pictures. Don’t ask me why—besides, I don’t think it’s a good idea to overanalyze one’s fantasies.
Fast forward six months and DreamLover is blitzing the world (including Ab) with e-mail announcements that their male management system is available for purchase in a limited, first-run production. If you happen to have a spare $1400 in your pocket, you could be one of 57 owners in the US or 27 in the EU/UK. A problem for us is that it is designed to work on the CB-3000 or CB-6000 from A.L. Enterprises—no mention of the CB-6000s, which is the polycarbonate device we have. They describe workarounds for other devices but it is not clear whether or not it would work with stainless steel—I certainly don’t want to electrocute my husband in the process of getting him to be the ideal man! Dead is not ideal in my book…LOL.
Seriously, I’d be very leery of forking over $1400 for an unknown, previously unsold product. But I suppose there are folks out there who would not see this as a financial barrier and will be buying one. If they do, I hope they’ll write about their experiences. I am curious if this is something that will move from the realm of fantasy to reality.
* * * * *
Meanwhile, speaking of limited edition, first run products: my Sexy Period panties are due to be shipped on March 14th. I’ve been invited to the launch party on March 19th and even though it is here in New England (Providence, RI, to be exact) I won’t be attending—it’s just a little too far to drive for a Saturday evening event. However, it’s fun to be part of the excitement, even peripherally, and to see the enthusiasm of these very entrepreneurial young women as they get their business off the ground. They are so much more real and honest, to me, than DreamLover Labs—but that’s just my opinion.
* * * * *
A quiet aside to: Thumper. Welcome back. I missed you during your recent sabbatical. It’s good to have you back, blogging, surveying, and being the all around fun bunny that you are. Your blog was one of the first I found that I read obsessively and now, reading your posts and leaving comments has become a happy habit. I am glad things are back on track.
Also, to Sarah Jameson: Happy one year anniversary to the Male Chastity Blog. This is another resource I found early on and did much to counter the nonsense I was reading at DreamLover Labs. Being a busy blogger myself, I know how much work is involved. Keep it up, Sarah, and congrats on a job well done.
Quotes From Ab: XV February 9, 2011Posted by Dev in Quotes from Ab.
Tags: chastity outcomes, female orgasm, male chastity, orgasm denial
SWOT Analysis: Chastity January 26, 2011Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: chastity lifestyle, chastity outcomes, conceptual model, male chastity, women and chastity
I know many people discover this blog as they search for information on chastity, trying to decide if they want to incorporate chastity into their relationship/marriage. As part of that learning process, people naturally consider the pros and cons. This got me thinking somewhat strategically about chastity and I decided brainstorm a SWOT analysis. SWOT: strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats. Traditionally, SWOT focuses on internal (strengths, weaknesses) and external (opportunities, threats) factors. I have decided to operationalize the internal factors (S,W) as the immediate, short-term effects of chastity while the external factors are the longer-term, larger repercussions of chastity on the relationship.
Typically, a SWOT analysis is conducted with a group of people brainstorming in a room. Since I am brainstorming by myself, I definitely welcome comments and suggestions: items that I have missed, which I will add to the lists and items that might be mis-categorized.
For me, the process of thinking this through has been a fun exercise. I hope it is helpful to others!
Strategic Objective: To determine whether to become a chaste couple.
The most immediate and short-term effects that couples report from chastity are:
- Increased intimacy
- Improved communication
- Enhanced sex life
Other benefits include:
- For the man: feeling horny and sexually aroused, especially if he is wearing a device.
- For the keyholder: feelings of power and control which can be enjoyable.
- There is an increasing community of chastity enthusiasts on the Internet, thus an opportunity to make new friends.
- Reading about chastity is an opportunity to broaden your horizons and learn something new.
- For couples who choose not to use the honor system, chastity requires purchase of a device which can cost, at a minimum, $150
- For many (most?) men, wearing a device requires an adjustment/break-in period, which may be uncomfortable.
- Behavior changes, ie, sitting down to urinate, decreased masturbation; these may not be acceptable to some.
- Keyholder may perceive chastity as “work” or something else to do/be responsible for.
- Learning curve requires an investment of time and effort.
- Couples who engage in chastity report improvements in their relationship that are so profound that they do not want to “go back” to the old way of doing things. Even if they choose to stop using a device, they want to continue the positive benefits of increased intimacy, improved communication, and enhanced sex life.
- Chastity provides a mechanism for couples to explore deeper needs, desires, and fantasies (“gateway kink” as coined by Tom Allen).
- Chastity is not a panacea; for couples with a relationship that is fundamentally not healthy at the core, chastity is not going to fix it.
- Chastity is a change and for many people, change in and of itself is threatening.
- Chastity may be perceived as very kinky, weird, or “way out there”; those who are not sexually adventurous may have no interest in chastity as an activity or more broadly, lifestyle.
- If chastity is a long-held desire by the initiator (often the man), bringing it up is a risk, especially if the other partner is not interested and in fact, may be repulsed by the idea.
Fantasy vs. Reality vs. Real Reality January 14, 2011Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: chastity lifestyle, clothing, fetish, kinky, male chastity
There’s a lot of fantasy stuff out there—people writing blogs that make me shake my head and say, “Could this possibly be true?” Then there are the blogs that seem to be closer to the truth, then there’s real reality. We all know real reality but I like to pretend that it’s a bit of altered reality because that keeps things closer to the fantasy. If you know what I mean. Or, if you don’t know what I am talking about, let me try to explain.
A few weeks ago I mentioned that Ab and I have a collar that we like to play with—it’s usually been our signal for “Let’s have some fun with Top/bottom games” (or D/s). Lately, it’s been making a more regular appearance on Ab’s neck which has been fun for both of us. The fantasy—bleeding to the edge of reality—is that in the bedroom, we do have fun with power exchange and lately, the power has been more often in my hands. I guess that’s what happens when a woman locks up her husband’s cock. As a friend has said to me more than once, handing over the key is, in and of itself, a submissive act. If you accept that, and I do, then we just take it a little further for playtime.
The collar we had been playing with was just a cheap old thing that Ab picked up at a pet store. I decided for his birthday to kick it up a notch and get something attractive and “permanent”—that is, something harder to take off than just unbuckling a buckle. Maybe something that would require a key that I would hold on to. I did a little research and found Eternity Collars. This looked like just the ticket!
Wednesday was a snow day and we did end up having lots of fun, as I had predicted. Ab put on some of his favorite sexy clothes, we cranked up the heat in the kitchen, and started to play. As things progressed and the emotions began to run high, I caved and pulled out the collar in its package. “This is for your birthday,” I said, “but I am giving it to you a few days early.” (Sometimes I have problems with impulse control. LOL)
He opened the package, hands trembling a bit. Then, oh, he liked it! I screwed it on and held up the Allen wrench. “I am holding onto this key. You won’t know where it is. Only I can take this off.”
“You mean,” he said, “I’m wearing this…forever?”
“Yes,” I replied. “I want everyone to know I’m in charge.”
We had a bit more discussion which included Ab saying things like, “Are you sure you want your mother to see this?” but I was adamant. He was collared. He was my slave.
Thursday morning when he got up I said, “If you want to take your collar off before you leave, I’ll unscrew it for you. I realize you might not be ready to go public.”
“No,” he said. “I’m wearing it. That’s what you want.”
Oh, hot! …. Shiver…
Thursday evening I got home and there it was: nice and shiny around his neck. “Glad to see you’re still dressed in metal,” I said. He nodded. “Did anyone at work say anything?”
He paused. “I took it off,” he admitted. “This thing is fucking heavy.”
“You took it off!” I feigned surprise. (To be honest, I wasn’t really surprised. This is where real reality comes in.)
“Yes. It’s just a simple little screw with an Allen wrench. It was easy to get off.”
“You have that size Allen wrench at your shop?”
He gave me a look. “Dev, I have every size Allen wrench.”
“Oh.” I paused. “But you’re wearing it now!”
And that’s how it works.
The fantasy: He’s my slave, collared 24/7 in permanent metal collar that’s never coming off.
The reality: I got him a nice collar for his birthday that we’ll play with and enjoy. It’s more attractive than the old dog collar and it has more opportunities for…fun.
The real reality: He’s not my slave, he’s not wearing it 24/7, he’s not wearing it at work and he’ll never, ever wear it in front of my mother! But we can pretend which brings us back to the fantasy…
Works for us!
Becoming Equally Invested January 6, 2011Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: chastity lifestyle, chastity outcomes, contract, male chastity, orgasm denial, women and chastity
As has been noted on many blogs and forum posts, it seems that in the vast majority of cases, it is the man who first discovers chastity and brings up the idea to his wife/girlfriend. Ab and I are the exception—it was my idea. I know there are other couples out there like us—women have written to tell me so. I wonder if there is anyone where the idea occurred simultaneously where the light bulb went off over the man and woman’s head at the same time? It seems sort of doubtful but I thought I’d throw the question out there to see if anyone says yes, that’s what happened to us.
I bring this up because I know one things couples struggle with—it is certainly on my mind—is the notion of the “introducing partner” being more interested and invested in chastity. This can result in a certain level of insecurity, ie, will the day come when Ab says, “Dev, I don’t want to play anymore”? In fact, at the beginning of our chastity exploration we agreed that we’d try it until the end of the year, then that date got extended until March. For now, we’re playing by the rule that as long as we’re having fun, we can keep going. That is working for both of us and no end is in sight. This is good.
Even so, I still feel twinges of insecurity. I’m not exactly sure why since Ab is playing along completely by the guidelines we’ve established. He has his daily break but other than that, he’s locked up. I haven’t seen an unlocked cock since Christmas. My slight anxiety certainly has a benefit for Ab in that I work to keep sexual interest and attention high—that translates to lots of teasing, lots of intimacy, and lots of making love—albeit sans orgasm for Ab.
For the male-introducing couples, I know that men struggle with feeling like they are pressuring their wives or whining or begging for orgasms too much. They also worry that their wives will feel like chastity is “one more thing”—one more thing to worry about, whether that is teasing or paying attention. Locked men don’t like feeling neglected and asking for attention cycles back into pressuring. I can appreciate that it’s a fine line to find the right balance.
I had an interesting twinge yesterday. We had a particularly hot lovemaking session (it rated a nickel into the orgasm glass) at our usual 4:30 am time. Ab seemed more frustrated than I sensed before—more moaning, more groaning and he even mumbled, “Can’t I take this off? Can’t I have a turn?”
For introducing-men, they tell their keyholders that they want to be denied—don’t give in to their begging and pleading. But what about me? Does Ab really want to be denied or would he rather that I acquiesce to his request?
For the record, I didn’t. But afterwards, as we lay together and drifted off for a few more minutes sleep before the day began in earnest, I heard several loud, audible sighs. Were these sighs of frustration? Annoyance? Should I have pulled out the screwdriver and taken the Watchful Mistress off?
Two hours later, worry that I had “done something wrong” was further reinforced when I came into the kitchen. As I have mentioned before, Ab leaves for work quite a while before I get up. Every morning he leaves me a glass of grapefruit juice on the kitchen table next to my computer. He’s done this for years—way before chastity came into our lives. But yesterday—no juice. “Shit!” I thought. “Is he really pissed at me? Should I have let him come?”
This was on my mind all day. I didn’t want to text him or discuss on the phone—if this was a really big issue, I thought it was best that we have a face-to-face conversation. So I managed to contain myself until I got home—but I also managed to get myself home a little bit earlier than usual.
When I arrived, everything seemed completely normal. Ab was locked up and puttering around the kitchen. He poured me a glass of wine and asked me about my day. Finally, I screwed up my courage and said, “Are you mad at me?”
“Why would I be mad at you? What makes you think that?”
“You didn’t leave me a grapefruit juice this morning. That’s the first time in ages there hasn’t been a glass on the table.”
“You’re right. I didn’t.” He looked surprised.
“I thought maybe we were out of juice but then there was a carton in the refrigerator so I thought maybe you were mad.”
“If I were mad, would I have spent 45 minutes giving you a fabulous orgasm?”
“You seemed to enjoy it too…”
“Of course I enjoyed it. I enjoy all sexual attention and interaction. That’s a given.”
“Well, okay then…”
I paused, wondering what to say. The grapefruit juice was just forgotten, not a spiteful sign of anger. What about the post-coital sighs?
Meanwhile, Ab was telling me about his day—his ongoing frustration with a damaged UPS delivery and some other production problems. Then it hit me. He wasn’t sighing because of non-orgasmic frustration, he was sighing in anticipation of a difficult day ahead. I have to remember that sometimes, it’s not all about me.
I let the conversation go at that point. Maybe I should have brought up my concern that he really wants to come but wait a minute—that’s my job as keyholder, right? To keep that level of frustration at its horny peak. Perhaps what I am struggling with is that this is the first time I’ve really heard the frustration. All these months he’s been quite sanguine about the whole thing. Yesterday was a different experience.
Different, and once I got past my confusion and understood what was going on, very good.
And maybe, just maybe, we are getting to the point of being equally invested.