California Dreamin’ April 8, 2011Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: being in public, chastity lifestyle, fetish, just for fun, key holder
What do you get when you mix two chaste men, two keyholders, a mini-Cooper convertible, and California sun? A whole lot of fun.
As I mentioned in my previous post, on Sunday Ab and I met up with likes2blocked and his wife, keyhldr (hereinafter referred to as L and K). Any anxiety I had been feeling dissipated and flew out the window within minutes of their arrival. As K said to me, “It’s good to finally see you in person,” as opposed to meet, because in truth, we had met months ago. This was just the final step of bringing our physical bodies into the same room. Still, I suppose there could have been some awkwardness. What if K wore some revolting perfume? (She didn’t.) Or L didn’t like my haircut? (If that was the case, he didn’t say anything.) But none of that happened. We connected like old friends, getting together for 36 whirlwind hours together.
So, what did we do? Well, we talked a lot, shared a couple of meals, drank like fish, got kinky together, and on Monday, had a day trip to Point Reyes National Seashore, where we oohed and aahed over the amazing scenery and lighthouse, took pictures, and were blown away by the sight of four whales. The weather was spectacular and driving on twisty-turny Route 1 with the top down on the car was a blast. It reminded me that spring will come to Maine (someday) and I will get to drive in my own convertible. And while Maine does have some off-the-charts scenery and lighthouses, we don’t have any roads like the California version of Route 1 (our Route 1 is pretty boring, in contrast). The drive was definitely a peak experience.
As were the back-to-back dime-worthy orgasmic experiences for me. . And the chance to do some serious locked man teasing (and that wasn’t just Ab). Like I said, we had a whole lot of fun.
We never did get to the vibrator store but as L said, when you own a Hitachi do you really need anything else? Good point.
Being with L and K reminded me of being with some of my old nudist friends. If you’ve seen someone naked, can there really be any inhibitions in the conversation? I don’t think so. This was similar. I’ve been writing about my sex life in this blog for the past eight months and the man who shares that sex life was right next to me. I knew that L was wearing a Mature Metal Jailbird on his cock and his wife had the key hidden away somewhere. Were there any barriers between us? Of course not.
Don’t get me wrong. We didn’t talk only about sex. In fact, we talked about just about everything under the sun—and then some. But it was fun to have the opportunity to talk about chastity and kinkiness and fetishes and anything else that popped into our heads. I have mused in this blog about how great I think chastity is and how I wish I could talk about it with others but unfortunately, a couple’s sex life is usually not a topic for polite conversation. Well, now I was with friends where it was completely on the table and up for discussion. In that regard, it was a very liberating experience.
That point has been driven home even more in the days since. While I have been blabbing about the absolutely wonderful time I had, I always have to stop short. “How did you meet this couple?” is a common question. “Through the sex blog I write,” is not the appropriate answer, even if it is correct! “What sort of things do you have in common?” Uh, K and I keep our husbands locked up and neither of them has had an orgasm for at least a month? LOL.
Speaking of, Ab didn’t have a San Francisco orgasm, as I thought he might. The opportunity never really presented itself and he didn’t seem to care. His last one was back on March 4th (I am sure he doesn’t know the date but I do). As for the next one? ::shrug:: We’ll know when the time is right.
* * * * *
Sightseeing wrap-up: Ab saw more stuff than me but I did have a few free minutes for fun. I got to ride on the historic streetcars several times, which was a treat. We saw the Castro Theater (from the outside) and the location of Harvey Milk’s camera shop (now a HRC office and shop). We went to the streetcar museum and did some shopping in the Port of San Francisco building. Ab visited Golden Gate Park and Chinatown. We drove over the Golden Gate Bridge and coming back into the city on Monday, we drove down Lombard Street. We ate lots of seafood, both cooked and raw. While the hole-in-the-wall sushi place we discovered on Thursday night was very good (and cheap), I think the fresh oysters in Inverness were the best thing I put in my mouth for the entire trip—well, of food, that is.
All in all, a great trip. Now I need to start looking forward to the next one…
Respecting Your Keyholder December 14, 2010Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: chastity lifestyle, key holder, male chastity
Jnuts wrote a blog post here where he commented he wanted to call his wife “Mistress.” He wasn’t entirely comfortable with that term for a variety of reasons but at the same time, he wanted to respect her with the honorific.
I understand totally where he is coming from.
When I started this blog, I wrote a manifesto that I wouldn’t be changing Ab into a woman, or dressing him like a maid, or chaining him in the basement as my slave. None of that has changed. I am still calling him Ab, not “sissy,” and I haven’t trotted off to Victoria’s Secret to buy him a new wardrobe of panties. But in spite of this, I have acquired a variety of new names, including Goddess, Mistress, Princess, Beloved, and My Queen.
And you know what? I am not complaining.
I think part of the problem I had with these names at the beginning is that they carried so much baggage. Being a “Mistress” implied that I would need to dress in leather and heels and crack a whip. Really, that’s not my style. Goddess, Princess? The wardrobe options boggle my mind—especially for a woman who likes to go nude at the beach.
On the other hand, I hold the key to my husband’s sexuality. I like being in charge. He wants me to be in charge. As an email correspondent said to me, “Handing over the key is a submissive act.” In that respect, I am a Domme, Mistress, Goddess or whatever term you might want to use. In fact, we put this in our contract. “Ab’s locked up. Dev’s in charge.” Yes, I am.
Once I realized that, I became much more open—and eventually accepting—of being called different names. The names weren’t intended to make me play a role but rather, to help me realize and accept my place in the family. “Dev’s in charge.” This has been true forever. But in recent weeks, I have moved to a higher plane of understanding and acceptance. The names are a sign of respect. I appreciate that and frankly, have started to expect that as part of my role. Hm, it is not too hard to accept the scepter of control with just a little bit of learning.
Doesn’t every little girl want to grow up and be a princess? Guess what…I have. But it’s so much better than the fake princesses that Disney portrays. I am the real thing and living it day-to-day.
Knowing that, Ab can call me anything he wants, as long as it is respectful.
And, every once and awhile, I’ll wear my crown.
A Little Orgasm November 27, 2010Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: chastity lifestyle, chastity outcomes, key holder, Keyheld, orgasm vacation
Ab had an orgasm yesterday (Friday) morning. It wasn’t planned but it wasn’t entirely unexpected, at least for me. I sort of figured that when we hit the “100 Days of Chastity” anniversary (which occurred on Tuesday) that an orgasm was imminent. When the time seemed to be right, I’d let him go. Yesterday turned out to be the day.
Part of my thinking about not having a specific date was to not repeat the problem from last month of over-hyped expectations. I figured we’d keep it low-key, which we did, and it turned out to be perfectly fine event. Ab had a nice erection (more evidence that that problem is solved). He used the vibrator on me first then finished off the job with Little Ab. It was quite pleasant. If I don’t sound terribly enthusiastic, it is only because I have the lingering remnants of the worst cold in the world hanging around in my body. I am still only at about 80% functioning so all my pleasure centers are a little bit dimmed. It was only two days ago that I started tasting food again.
Ab is still out of his device and demonstrating some of that post-orgasmic feistiness that I don’t particularly care for. I expected him to lock up after his shower yesterday but he didn’t. In fact, it’s Saturday morning and he is off at work for a few hours—unlocked. Now, to be fair, we do have some extenuating circumstances, including the holiday, a houseful of young people, crazy schedules and worst of all: he seems to have caught my cold. I know I should cut him some slack on being locked up. Still, I do get anxious when his device is in my underwear drawer and not on his cock where it belongs.
Why do I get anxious? Don’t I trust him on the honor system? Actually, I do, especially now that he’s had an orgasm. Going off and masturbating is not my worry at this moment—in fact, I know that activity is a very remote possibility right now. The issue is that I like him being locked up. Wearing a device is very symbolic to me, which I have mentioned before. Like a wedding ring, it’s visible evidence of our chaste lives. I had the key on my nipple ring (which I am missing right now). It hasn’t been on my nipple ring for a few weeks, since we came to our key-access agreement. For that reason, I have been thinking about a tattoo, but I haven’t completely made up my mind. That aside, I’m happier and more settled when Ab is wearing his Jailbird or Watchful Mistress. I hope he puts it on this afternoon after his shower.
Either way, I figure that for this weekend, I am not going to make a fuss. Things will get back to normal in a few days. Hopefully he won’t be hit with the same virulent strain of this cold that I was and won’t be knocked quite as low as me (10 days and counting for me right now). I am looking forward to getting back to being locked, teasing, and spanking. In other words, the new normal.
* * * * *
Just another reminder of the new blog: Keyheld: Chastity Resources for Lovers. Tom Allen has done a great job pulling this together in just a few days. I find it very convenient to look and see which blogs have updated in the past 24 hours or so. He also has a list of other resources that should be useful for folks interested in chastity—whether newcomers or seasoned hands. If you have a blog and would like to be added to the list, go to the “About Us” page and send Tom a message. He’ll sign you right up. If you have suggestions for other resources, let Tom know that too. Thanks in advance for your support and help!
Happy Thanksgiving from the Devoted Lover Household November 25, 2010Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: chastity outcomes, clothing, key holder, Keyheld, male chastity
Happy Thanksgiving to all my friends and readers—even those outside the US. A day to give thanks is a good thing.
For a long time, I was very ambivalent about Thanksgiving. I wasn’t really crazy about the food and I felt like it was the final “throwing open the gates” of the holiday hoopla that ensues in December. Eating dinner in the middle of the day always makes me feel weird and face it—I’ve experienced enough angst at the holiday table over the years to make me want to wash my hands of the whole damn thing, forever.
But a few years ago, I realized that Thanksgiving, like July 4th and Labor Day, is one of our “pure” holidays. It’s celebrated on its real day (although it was on a moving Thursday back during World War II). It’s not hooked to a religious event that is now being toned down or multi-culturized. It is a day that exists for one reason only: to pause and give thanks. To reflect on things that we are grateful for and to acknowledge those we love. In a world that has gotten far too busy and complex, it is good to have a day that forces us to slow down and take a break.
Today, this is how I’ll be taking a break and giving thanks: writing a blog post; watching the Macy’s Parade; making creamed onions for dinner; eating some waffles with the family; glancing at the Detroit Lions vs. Patriots game; heading over to Mom’s for the family get-together; spending lots of time with my children; maybe watching a movie or something in the evening and last but not least, having some quality naked playtime with my chaste husband. Could anyone ask for a nicer day?
To everyone out there: have a wonderful day!
* * * * *
Update from Ab: for this morning’s dog walk he put a sock over his cage, per the suggestion of several commenters on this post. Worked great, he said. No cold nuts. Thanks, everyone, for the good advice!
* * * * *
My son, L, and his girlfriend, J, arrived home for the holiday last evening. Imagine my surprise when I saw, hanging around J’s neck, a great big skeleton key on a chain! I finally asked her what it was for. “Everyone asks me that,” she said. “It’s a great conversation piece.” Turns out she got it at the Salvation Army. “I tell people it’s the key to L’s heart.” Or cock! If only she knew…LOL
* * * * *
Tom Allen is taking the lead to create Keyheld: Chastity Resources for Lovers. This is an aggregate of blogs that focus on male chastity and orgasm denial as well as other resources. Think of it as a “go to” place to link to lots of useful stuff. That’s the plan, at least. LOL. If you are a blogger with a focus on chastity and would like to be included head on over to the Chastity Forum and leave a message in this thread. Tom will sign you right up.
Dev Puts on Her Advice Hat November 24, 2010Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: chastity lifestyle, devices, key holder, male chastity, women and chastity
Yesterday, I received this comment in response to one of my blog posts:
You have no idea how jealous some of us out here are. My wife and I lead a chaste lifestyle. We have done so for nearly 5 years. At one time, I’ve gone over a year without orgasm.
At this point, we agree completely – no more conventional sex. She likes me to pleasure her. And I like to pleasure her. We don’t ever want to do anything else. We’re pretty set on her having all the orgasms from now on. I’m totally happy with that, and she is totally happy with that.
There’s just one problem – she wants nothing to do with a chastity device. I’ve tried them – two actually. First, the Birdlocked, then a MM Pet Trap. The first was more of a toy. The second, I found it completely amazing to wear. I did not want to take it off – ever. The fit was not perfect, but this could have been worked around.
However, my wife’s objections could not. She didn’t like it, thought it was too weird and never wanted to see it again. This from a woman who has accepted and led a chaste lifestyle, at my suggestion, for years. I’ve been very good about being honest and not ‘cheating’ at this game, but not perfect. I felt a device could help me. She did not, she wants me to stay chaste purely through self control.
Needless to say, this is difficult! Yes, I absolutely love being chaste, going without orgasm for months and staying completely devoted to her… but give me a bad day with stress at work and a fight with her, and my resolve may fail. These are the times I wish I could be kept in chastity by her.
Not to mention, wearing a chastity device FEELS GOOD! Especially good when I pleasure her. I’ve tried it a few times, despite her objection, and found it fun and pleasant. Not always 100% comfortable, but like I said, the fit is not perfect.
Still, she has no interest in either short-term or long term devices. I’m not submissive, more dominant and leading, in fact, and so since it was my idea to try this lifestyle to begin with, she wants to hold me to my word.
It’s very frustrating for me to have her to dismiss this as a fetish/fantasy, yet unconditionally accept the chaste lifestyle, and based on what I’ve read from other men who have gone to the trouble to introduce this to their spouses, it’s not uncommon.
To have a woman lead her partner into this to begin with is an unimaginably, ridiculous stroke of good luck. I totally think any couple would benefit from a chaste lifestyle if only they were open-minded enough to accept it.
I was not even open at first. I read about the benefits of this, did not believe it, but for some reason, wanted to try it anyway, but this is a whole other story…
I have been thinking about this comment for the past 24 hours. The poster, Dave, did not ask for my advice but I am going to give some:
STOP GIVING YOUR WIFE ORGASMS.
You say that we are incredibly lucky and people out there are jealous…you know who is incredibly lucky? Your wife. I mean, seriously. Talk about being in the driver’s seat, having her cake, and eating it too! This woman has it all.
And from where I sit, it looks like you are asking for a slice of cake and she’s not even giving you a few crumbs. Time to stop being the baker and hang up your oven mitts—at least until she’s willing to meet you halfway.
Seriously, I can understand where you are coming from. You were the one who introduced chastity to her, even with some reluctance on your part (“…did not believe it,”) but she was willing to give it a go. As the “introducing partner” I know the feeling of worrying that my spouse will suddenly say, “This has been fun, but I’m not interested anymore.” I feel an obligation to keep the interest up and keep him engaged so that he’ll want to wear his device and live this chaste life with me. We are partners, after all, and a married couple. He’s not a slave or a victim. He has the right to opt out. Since I have gotten to the point that I don’t want him to opt out, I am highly invested in keeping the “game” going.
Sounds like you are doing the same thing.
But Dave, really…we’ve been at this three months. You’ve been at it five years. You write: At this point, we agree completely – no more conventional sex. So, it sounds like the opt out issue is not a major concern of yours right now.
But wearing a device is and that’s a goal you want to achieve. From the sound of your letter, she’s not willing to meet you halfway. And realistically, why should she? Like I said above, she has it all. What incentive does she have to let you wear a device? None, that I can see. She hates the thing and thinks it is ugly. Meanwhile, things are going just swimmingly, from her orgasm and life perspective, so why should she rock the boat?
Thus I think you need to do a little boat rocking.
I’ve quoted GGG from Dan Savage before: good, giving, game. It’s an important principle. She was GGG when you brought up chastity five years ago. She was willing to give it a try, even if she didn’t fully understand why you were asking. But she could tell it was important to you and open minded about the concept. That’s GGG.
Then, here you are, five years later and you two are fully invested in the lifestyle. Chastity has become the new normal for the two of you. It’s not something you are trying or experimenting with. It just is. And according to what you write, it will likely be for many years to come, if not forever.
Now, you are asking her to be GGG again. You want to wear a chastity device. She refuses to let you or to consider its usage in your relationship. You have explained why it is important to you: it would help you be honest, it would help you not cheat. Stressful days take their toll and your resolve can be weak. Secondarily, you want a device because it feels good on you and heightens your pleasure when you are pleasuring her.
I am assuming you have explained all these reasons to her—many times. And yet, she still says no.
Well then, it seems like it is time to take her candy away, at least until she’s willing to sit down and work out a compromise. Because really, if it’s important to you then it should be important to her to meet your needs. She needs to be GGG. If that’s impossible, then you have to ask if chastity is really the best thing for both of you. Since she’s been GGG before, I would hope that she could find her way to do so again.
She doesn’t have to immediately agree to device usage 24/7. You may never get to that point—and that may not even be a goal. But there are steps you can take: wearing the device for a portion of the day, at your discretion; you keep control of the key; you do not expect her to play with/touch the device; you do not wear the device when you are making love. These seem to be a starting point for discussion and negotiation. Eventually you can both find a middle ground that is comfortable for both of you.
However, until she is willing to be open and discuss, maybe you need to tell her that for the moment, the bakery is closed.
Like I said above, you didn’t ask for my advice, so please feel free to completely ignore this post. But your comment did get me thinking and I wanted to share my thoughts.
A Daily Chastity Check-In November 16, 2010Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: chastity lifestyle, chastity outcomes, key holder, male chastity, women and chastity
I realized yesterday, somewhat in response to a blog post at Nuts4Belle, that Ab and I talk about chastity every single day. It may be only a minute or two or some days we’ll talk for an hour or more, but the bottom line is that chastity is on the daily conversational agenda. At the beginning, it was hot and new and exciting and of course we wanted to talk about it endlessly. Now things have settled down to more of a routine but even so, I think our daily chastity check-in is tremendously important.
Talk about chastity daily? Why? Is there really that much to say?
Yes, I think there is. If you believe the thesis that chastity is more than a game, as I discussed here, and that it has the potential to profoundly affect a relationship, then it is certainly a topic that should be discussed regularly. For me, “regularly” is at present, daily. Will that change? Right now, I don’t think so. Ab and I use our daily check-in to clarify expectations, ask questions, and clear up misunderstandings. My favorite recently cleared-up misunderstanding is when he revealed to me that he is as into chastity as I am. That had been a source of anxiety for me, as regular readers will attest. For the moment, my mind is at ease on that issue. An expectation that we regularly re-visit is the fact that he has access to the key. That is not the usual paradigm—in fact, the way things are right now, technically I am not even a keyholder! But, our contract states that I am in charge and thus, we are constantly revisiting this ground rule to assess how things are going. Being in charge is tremendously important to me but I want to keep being charge in a way that ensures we are both having fun—another part of our contract. We also re-visit the issue that he is locked up, the third element of our contract. “Locked up” means no self-stimulation or orgasm, even in the moments when he is not physically locked-up. As it stands right now, he is living up to his part of the bargain. Our agreement remains in force. Our daily check-ins are important to assess this.
Reading the comments on jnuts blog, some men make it clear that having a daily conversation might be difficult. For example, Shane wrote:
While I would love to have a chastity-chat every night, I’m pretty sure this is the last thing my wife wants. Dev, I think your situation is very unique in that you initiated the chastity play. You’re also a prolific sex blogger, so it’s a normal thing for you to think about sex all day, if not every hour of the day. The communication problem is real; the question is how to have this communication without alienating her.
First, thank you for the compliment…and the promotion! I agree, lately I am probably thinking about sex more than your average person, male or female. Your point, “the communication problem is real,” is very well taken.
In another comment, Michael wrote:
I think it is difficult for us men because we are always aware of our chastity (especially if we are in a device). Our women, however, do not have that constant physical reminder. For me, sometimes I have to remind myself that just because I’m (almost always) thinking about it doesn’t mean she is.
My take-away on both these comments is that chastity is on your minds on a more-or-less constant basis and as a result it is tremendously important to you—thus it is a worthy topic of conversation with your wife. I think that anything that is on someone’s mind is important for discussion—isn’t that part of the reason for being married? To share and converse? I certainly talk about what’s going on at work, people that are driving me crazy; Ab does the same. We talk about our children. We talk about my mom. We talk about the pets and our old house. And because it is on my mind, we talk about chastity.
We talk about chastity because I am thinking about it and it’s important to me. I don’t know if Ab is thinking about it. Now you might argue that of course he’s thinking about it—how could he not? He’s got five ounces of steel locked on his cock. But sometimes he ignores my playful little text messages and other times he tells me that he forgets he is wearing a device. So to be honest, I don’t know if he is thinking about chastity—I am not a mind reader after all—but because I am and it’s important to me, I bring it up daily as a topic of conversation. Having done this for three months now, it has become an expectation for us and routine in our lives.
I appreciate that men might find it hard to bring up—the alienation issue is real—and so I would say to the women out there: if you are going to get into chastity with your husband, you should be willing to devote five minutes of your day, at least, to a chastity conversation, or as I titled it above, “a daily chastity check-in.” It doesn’t have to be lengthy and it doesn’t have to be deep, but from where I sit, even a brief mention is important.
It helps with that being ignored feeling that jnuts was experiencing.
It helps to understand, “Why are we doing this, anyway?” My answer to that question would be very different today than it was three months ago and conversations have been central to this process.
It helps with keeping the communication channels open, which for many, including Ab and me, is the wonderful, unexpected by-product of chastity. I have said, repeatedly, and this sentiment is echoed in various blogs and forums, that chastity has an amazing positive effect on communication in a couple. I have certainly witnessed this firsthand and the community of chaste folks seem to support this.
I would further to suggest to any woman reading this that you be the initiator of the conversation. Just as your husband may have had feelings that he pressured you for sex—which might be one of the things that got you into chastity in the first place—he may also perceive that bringing up the topic for conversation is a similar sort of pressure. So, take the weight off his shoulders and bring it up yourself.
If you’ve read Lucy Fairbourne’s book, Male Chastity: A Guide for Keyholders, you might be saying to me, “Dev, you’ve got it all wrong. Lucy says:
The subject of male chastity might crop up in conversations between you at first (your man might find it particularly interesting)…There’s no need for you to allow this to become an obsession…If necessary, put your foot down and tell him not to mention it anymore unless he has an actual problem to report.
To that I would say, rip out that page of the book. I think that Fairbourne, not me, has it totally wrong and that is the reason I marked the book down a star in my review. Couples moving into a chaste lifestyle need to be talking about it, regularly, for all the reasons I have outlined in this post. I think Fairbourne’s suggestion to squelch conversation is a recipe for disaster. Thinking over the various issues that have popped up in the past few months—most of them small but some no so—if Ab and I hadn’t been talking about them, I don’t know where we’d be in this chastity journey. But I suspect that we wouldn’t be at the good place we are now.
Finally, everything gets easier with practice and repetition which is why I think a daily check-in is important. Having a two minute conversation every day is easier than having a “big” conversation once a week—at least it is for me. And, the more I put off those big conversations, the harder they are to get going which is why I am of the mind to talk a little bit, every day, about the things that are important.
That probably explains why I blog almost every day, too.
As always, comments are welcome.
A Clean Shirt November 15, 2010Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: chastity lifestyle, chastity outcomes, devices, key holder, male chastity, orgasm denial
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There were lots of good comments here and there in response to my post about Ab and his daily shower/nap release. I thought I summarize them here and add a few more thoughts on the issue.
To refresh readers’ memories, our current deal is that Ab has access to the key/screwdriver and is allowed a daily release for his shower and daily nap. Just so folks know, he gets up for work at about 4 or 4:30 am, so an afternoon nap is essential if he is going to make it through dinner and have a remote chance of being coherent at the same time. This is especially important on my late days, Monday and Thursday, when I often don’t get home until 9 pm. Ab’s been napping since the day I met him—it is part of the fabric of our lives. In fact, guess what he is doing right now as I type this.
As I said, there were lots of interesting comments, including this from mikecb:
I suspect this whole thing of wanting to be “out” for showers and naps is more about him trying to assert a last little bit of control, rather than him actually needing either of these things for comfort. Now, I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing, since you’ve only been doing this for a few months. I would hope eventually that he comes to trust you completely with that last little bit of control, and let go of it.
Finally, while I would *never* tell you how to do what you do, I find Ab’s comment about taking off the JB in the shower interesting. Maybe it’s because I had previously been in a closed-tube device, but showering in the JB was cake. Much less of a hassle than the Steelheart. I mean, it’s all open, right? How much cleaner can you really get by taking it off? The one thing the JB has going for it, from my POV, is because it’s all open, there’s practically no reason to *ever* take it off.
Ab read this and said to me, “Yes, it’s open and yes, it’s much easier to clean but…I just like to have it off. To be able to shave down there, really scrub and get everything nice and clean.”
I pointed Thumper to mikecb’s comment, to which Thumper replied:
Mike’s nailed it. From my perspective, Ab hasn’t *really* let go of all the control over his cock. I was there, too, but I did it in a slightly different way. I used to always know where the key was and felt free to take the device off to fiddle with it or whatever, regardless whether or not Belle was around or aware, whenever I wanted. It finally occurred to me that I was sharing the control I had supposedly ceded to her. Once she started to own the key and its location and I was really and truly locked up until she let me out, things changed. It wasn’t until than that I feel I truly accepted her control.
I don’t know that I would try to talk him into letting go of that his little shred of freedom because it’s a big deal psychologically. Especially because you initiated this, he has to give it to you freely. That said, I think you would be within your rights to start questioning his motives. There is no reason I can see for him to remove the device assuming he can sleep through the night with it. He’s *choosing* to do so. Once he finally lets go of his little needless breaks you’ll know he’s moved to the next level. Until then, all he’s done is agree to a power sharing arrangement.
When I pointed Ab to this comment, he read it and shrugged. He didn’t disagree but he also wondered how important this is—at least at this moment. That got me thinking and I realized that I have a fantasy of having him locked 24/7, no breaks, no freedom, only coming out for T&D or the occasional rare orgasm. Now while that is a very hot fantasy for me, what is more important is that chastity stay a part of our lives. If I need to give up a little bit of control and allow him a little bit of unlocked time, then that’s a worthwhile trade-off to keep Ab fully on board and actively participating.
Interestingly, at the same time this conversation was going on in my blog, Thumper was posting his thoughts on the Jailbird, and I had this to say:
At first I thought I was being wildly extravagant to buy two devices but now I am thinking it is actually quite practical. Think about other things we wear close to our bodies. Do you wear the same shoes every day? For women, do you wear the same bra? I am not sure it is realistic to think one device is going to be comfortable all the time, day in and day out. While the fantasy of being locked all the time is a great one, the reality is that bodies are living things and perhaps, flexibility in devices is important to address that.
Ab read that and had a good laugh. “See,” he said, “you really do understand why I need a break. I like being able to switch devices. It’s like putting on a freshly laundered shirt from the dry cleaner.”
Over on the Chastity Forum, justplaying had this to say:
I also enjoy the small ritual of being locked up every morning after my shower and then unlocked whenever she likes. For us, it’s part of the fun. Our agreement is a bit different than others in the forum. I am allowed to take a shower and clean the gear every morning. I am brain dead before coffee, so I can be trusted in the shower…Once out I lock myself in and then my KH, wife inspects that all is locked up tight. I kind of love the way she does this every morning.
I also know that kelmag gets out for a daily cleaning break.
So, what conclusions can I draw from this?
- Couples make chastity work for them. If a daily break is needed or desired by the man, so be it. There is no rule that says “locked” means it is an endless prison sentence with a break that’s never offered.
- Part of the “endless prison sentence” is my own fantasy and I need to balance that against what is realistic and comfortable for Ab. Being chaste in the long-term is more important than fulfilling my hot dream.
- Having variety and flexibility in what device is being worn may be something to consider, especially for couples that desire chastity long-term. An informal poll at the Chastity Forum indicated that many couples own multiple devices with 28% responding they owned four. We’ve only been at this since August and we own four, plus a locking cock ring. God knows where we will be a year from now! LOL.
- Understanding motivations are extremely important and something I will continue to focus on and revisit on an ongoing basis.
That’s it for now. As always, thoughts and comments are welcome.
A Night Apart: Update November 12, 2010Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: chastity outcomes, devices, humbler, key holder, male chastity
Ab read the blog yesterday so he knew that I was thinking about my upcoming trip. Because he read it, that got the conversation started at dinner, which went something like this:
“Has it really been more than a year since you’ve been away?”
“Yes, August 2009, when I was in Switzerland.”
“I wasn’t in Switzerland.”
“I didn’t say you were. I was in Switzerland.”
“Yes you did, you said we. We were in Switzerland.”
“No I didn’t. I said I.”
“You said we.”
At this point I gave him a dirty look. “You don’t have a tape recorder so it’s pointless to discuss this. Can we get back on track?”
“Sure. So you want me stay locked up.”
“In a nutshell, yes. And I want to be able to trust you.”
“Why wouldn’t you trust me?”
“Because it’s been weeks since you masturbated. And you had your two little incidents in the past few days. I don’t want you to be tempted. I want you to be strong.”
“I’ll be strong. You can trust me.”
“How do I know that?”
“Because you want me to be locked. Because that’s what you want me to do, I will.”
“Do I need to hide the key and the screwdriver?”
“I’d prefer if you didn’t. I like having my shower break. It makes me feel cleaner.”
“Okay, but you will put your device on after your nap?”
Ab nodded. Then, after a pause, he said, “As a matter of fact, I’ll send you pictures. I’ll send you a picture when I take it off and I’ll send you another picture when I put it back on. I know you’ll be waiting for that second picture in an hour or so, so I’ll definitely be putting it on when I am supposed to.”
“All right, then,” I answered. “That sounds fair. You’ll be wearing it on Saturday when you pick me up at the airport.”
“And if I text you during the day on Saturday, you’ll send me a picture, no matter what time it is.”
“Sure…unless I’m visiting your mother.”
I laughed at that. “Yes, that might be a mitigating circumstance.” I paused. “So, we have a deal.”
He nodded. “We have a deal.” His voice dropped a notch and he leaned in closer to me. “I’ll let you in on a little secret.”
“What’s that?” I whispered back.
“I’m into this as much as you.”
* * * * *
The other day I sent Ab a picture of a cherry (wood) humbler. “Can you make one of these?” I texted him. That evening when I got home, I found the device pictured to the right sitting on the kitchen table. That was fast! I wasn’t expecting insta-humbler!
Last night we decided to do a little fitting test. As we discovered, this is definitely a prototype model and needs some work. It appears that the round circle in the middle is much too big. He made it 1 ¾”, the same size as the ring on his Jailbird. That needs to be much smaller and I think it would be better if it was oval, not round. The part that goes behind his legs is also too big. That needs to be fitted more closely and a little bit tighter. Even so, as a prototype it is a very good start.
One thing that was interesting: as I screwed the bolts shut, Ab got a definite terrified look in his eyes. I can’t wait to see what he looks like when I screw on a properly fitting, custom-made one. <insert evil laugh>
* * * * *
I gave Ab a Sharpie marker tattoo on his left ass cheek after we finished testing the humbler. “Locked boi, xxoo” I wrote. Just to remind him who is in charge and why he needs to stay locked up.
* * * * *
Bon voyage to me! If I don’t post tomorrow it’s because I am on the road. But I suspect being on a plane will give me time to think about something interesting to write. I have a number of different ideas tumbling in my brain. Until then, take care my friends and stay chaste!
A Night Apart November 11, 2010Posted by Dev in Devices, Musings.
Tags: key holder, male chastity, orgasm denial, women and chastity
Ab and I have a little test coming up. Tomorrow night (Friday), we’ll be apart for the first time since we began our chastity exploration back in August. Actually, now that I think about it, it will be our first time apart since August 2009! That’s a lot of togetherness! LOL. Seriously, I used to travel a tremendous amount for my work but in recent years, by my choice, I’ve been able to cut way back. Most things I can handle by email or phone but once in a while I do need to show up in person. Thus, I am off to Washington DC for a quick 30 hour trip.
Ab will be alone—completely alone, except for the dog and cat. Unfortunately, I don’t think I can ask them to take on keyholder responsibilities in my absence.
I told Ab I expect him to stay locked while I am away. He was noncommittal when I said this, which gives me pause. He can be a slightly rebellious locked boy which is a difference, I think, of women as the drivers versus men. Ab wears his device but I do get a little bit of pushback. I gave an example of that from Sunday, where he expected to have a free hour to go to the grocery store. I re-explained that he gets to be free during his nap, not one hour per day. We had similar incident last evening. I arrived home and Ab was still napping but just waking up. I stayed in the bedroom while he got dressed—we were chatting. He didn’t put his device on. I raised an eyebrow. “We’re going out to dinner,” he said. “Can’t I wait until after?” I shook my head and handed over the Jailbird. He locked it on.
And so, I leave for Washington, pondering the best way to keep him in his device.
One option is to remove the key and screwdriver and tell him that’s it, you’re locked up. He might complain, and rightly so, because our agreement is that he can be free for a shower and nap on a daily basis. Still, he’d only miss one shower/nap release (on Friday) because I’ll be home by late afternoon on Saturday. I like this scenario because it really does show that I am in charge. He might not like it, though, because he might think I am changing the rules. But I could say, too bad, I make the rules and this is a warranted exception.
Another option would be to randomly send a text message asking for a photo showing he is locked. One thing I don’t know…is there a way to see a time and date stamp on iPhone pictures? Alternatively, I could make sure he has Skype up and running on his computer. Then we could talk and I could have video confirmation that he is wearing his device.
Thinking about this differently, I could let him be free while I am gone, with the caveat of no stimulation, no touching, no masturbation. While I’d like to believe that is possible, I also know that he’s a man and he’s at that horny phase—eight days after a ruined orgasm and I think he’s itching for some fun. He knows in his head that I am in charge of his orgasms and accepts that, but alas, the adage, “The mind is willing but the flesh is weak,” is often true. Do I really want to give him that much opportunity for temptation?
Fetish clothes—now that might be a carrot. We’ve agreed that he can only wear his favorite special stuff when he’s locked. I could give him permission to dress up as much as he wants while I am away with the understanding that the device stays on. Of course, he might say that it’s not as much fun by himself—what’s the point of wearing sexy clothes without someone to look at you? Still, this might be a motivator. He has permission to do something he really enjoys in exchange for doing something that’s very important to me. That might work.
Those are my ideas at the moment. I welcome comments, thoughts, and also other suggestions that anyone might have. Thanks in advance!