Becoming Equally Invested January 6, 2011Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: chastity lifestyle, chastity outcomes, contract, male chastity, orgasm denial, women and chastity
As has been noted on many blogs and forum posts, it seems that in the vast majority of cases, it is the man who first discovers chastity and brings up the idea to his wife/girlfriend. Ab and I are the exception—it was my idea. I know there are other couples out there like us—women have written to tell me so. I wonder if there is anyone where the idea occurred simultaneously where the light bulb went off over the man and woman’s head at the same time? It seems sort of doubtful but I thought I’d throw the question out there to see if anyone says yes, that’s what happened to us.
I bring this up because I know one things couples struggle with—it is certainly on my mind—is the notion of the “introducing partner” being more interested and invested in chastity. This can result in a certain level of insecurity, ie, will the day come when Ab says, “Dev, I don’t want to play anymore”? In fact, at the beginning of our chastity exploration we agreed that we’d try it until the end of the year, then that date got extended until March. For now, we’re playing by the rule that as long as we’re having fun, we can keep going. That is working for both of us and no end is in sight. This is good.
Even so, I still feel twinges of insecurity. I’m not exactly sure why since Ab is playing along completely by the guidelines we’ve established. He has his daily break but other than that, he’s locked up. I haven’t seen an unlocked cock since Christmas. My slight anxiety certainly has a benefit for Ab in that I work to keep sexual interest and attention high—that translates to lots of teasing, lots of intimacy, and lots of making love—albeit sans orgasm for Ab.
For the male-introducing couples, I know that men struggle with feeling like they are pressuring their wives or whining or begging for orgasms too much. They also worry that their wives will feel like chastity is “one more thing”—one more thing to worry about, whether that is teasing or paying attention. Locked men don’t like feeling neglected and asking for attention cycles back into pressuring. I can appreciate that it’s a fine line to find the right balance.
I had an interesting twinge yesterday. We had a particularly hot lovemaking session (it rated a nickel into the orgasm glass) at our usual 4:30 am time. Ab seemed more frustrated than I sensed before—more moaning, more groaning and he even mumbled, “Can’t I take this off? Can’t I have a turn?”
For introducing-men, they tell their keyholders that they want to be denied—don’t give in to their begging and pleading. But what about me? Does Ab really want to be denied or would he rather that I acquiesce to his request?
For the record, I didn’t. But afterwards, as we lay together and drifted off for a few more minutes sleep before the day began in earnest, I heard several loud, audible sighs. Were these sighs of frustration? Annoyance? Should I have pulled out the screwdriver and taken the Watchful Mistress off?
Two hours later, worry that I had “done something wrong” was further reinforced when I came into the kitchen. As I have mentioned before, Ab leaves for work quite a while before I get up. Every morning he leaves me a glass of grapefruit juice on the kitchen table next to my computer. He’s done this for years—way before chastity came into our lives. But yesterday—no juice. “Shit!” I thought. “Is he really pissed at me? Should I have let him come?”
This was on my mind all day. I didn’t want to text him or discuss on the phone—if this was a really big issue, I thought it was best that we have a face-to-face conversation. So I managed to contain myself until I got home—but I also managed to get myself home a little bit earlier than usual.
When I arrived, everything seemed completely normal. Ab was locked up and puttering around the kitchen. He poured me a glass of wine and asked me about my day. Finally, I screwed up my courage and said, “Are you mad at me?”
“Why would I be mad at you? What makes you think that?”
“You didn’t leave me a grapefruit juice this morning. That’s the first time in ages there hasn’t been a glass on the table.”
“You’re right. I didn’t.” He looked surprised.
“I thought maybe we were out of juice but then there was a carton in the refrigerator so I thought maybe you were mad.”
“If I were mad, would I have spent 45 minutes giving you a fabulous orgasm?”
“You seemed to enjoy it too…”
“Of course I enjoyed it. I enjoy all sexual attention and interaction. That’s a given.”
“Well, okay then…”
I paused, wondering what to say. The grapefruit juice was just forgotten, not a spiteful sign of anger. What about the post-coital sighs?
Meanwhile, Ab was telling me about his day—his ongoing frustration with a damaged UPS delivery and some other production problems. Then it hit me. He wasn’t sighing because of non-orgasmic frustration, he was sighing in anticipation of a difficult day ahead. I have to remember that sometimes, it’s not all about me.
I let the conversation go at that point. Maybe I should have brought up my concern that he really wants to come but wait a minute—that’s my job as keyholder, right? To keep that level of frustration at its horny peak. Perhaps what I am struggling with is that this is the first time I’ve really heard the frustration. All these months he’s been quite sanguine about the whole thing. Yesterday was a different experience.
Different, and once I got past my confusion and understood what was going on, very good.
And maybe, just maybe, we are getting to the point of being equally invested.
Our Contract October 11, 2010Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: chastity lifestyle, contract, orgasm denial
As I said in this post, I spent quite a bit of time on Saturday drafting a potential chastity contract. I wanted it to be comprehensive, to include all the details of how we are playing the game (or living a chaste life as I said in the contract), and most of all, I wanted to be fair. I wanted to make it clear that we weren’t heading down the feminization, sissy-clitty path nor would I start to punish or humiliate him for alleged infractions—alleged infractions of what, I am not sure, but I wanted to make sure I had that in there as a contingency option. I edited it and then re-edited, crossed the i’s and dotted the t’s and sent him a copy.
He read it before lunch yesterday. The first thing he noticed was a typo. So much for the re-editing!
Then we talked about it. “What prompted you to write this?” he asked.
“I think I got the idea after Wednesday evening,” I answered. “When you pushed back about being released.”
Silence for a minute. Then, “I think you are trying too hard.”
“Trying too hard?”
“You’re including too much stuff. You’re making it too complicated.”
“Well, I was trying to be fair. I wanted to cover all the bases.”
“There’s fair, and then there’s passive aggressive.”
“Passive aggressive?” I said, completely surprised. I really didn’t expect this answer.
“Yes…well, the fact is, I’m locked up, you’re in charge of my orgasms, you own my cock, and you’re the one calling the shots.”
“Okay, but even so, we’re in this together. I wanted to convey that.”
“We’re in this together, but you are having orgasms and I’m not. I don’t think it’s accurate to say we’re both chaste.”
“I guess that depends on how you define chaste. I said I wouldn’t masturbate.”
“You don’t masturbate now, so what are you really giving up?”
I thought about that for a second. Good point, Ab.
“Well….” I paused. “You really thought it was lousy?”
“I don’t think it was lousy,” he said. “I just don’t think it was accurate.”
“Okay then. What would be accurate?”
“Keep it simple and to the point. ‘Ab’s locked up. Dev’s in charge. We’re having fun.’”
“Ab’s locked up. Dev’s in charge. We’re having fun,” I repeated. “That’s it?”
“It’s that simple?”
“What happens if you stop having fun and I don’t?”
“You don’t what?”
“You’re not having fun but I still am.”
“I trust you’ll know what to do.”
“You trust me that much?”
“You know I do.”
“And I’m in charge.”
Okay then. That’s it. I’ve posted our contract on its own page here at the blog. As an aside comment, it’s gone from 1642 words to 9. There is great value in parsimony.
And no, sorry, you don’t get to read the old one. It’s history.
Working, Working… October 9, 2010Posted by Dev in Musings.
Tags: chastity, chastity outcomes, contract
Up until now, I haven’t felt the need for a formal chastity agreement or document, but for the past forty-eight hours, the idea has been churning in my head. So, this morning, I started work on one. I spent the better part of three hours getting a first draft written, then took a few hours off to go to the movies (we saw the The Social Network, the “Facebook” movie. Very good—highly recommended). I have just spent another hour or two putting some final touches on the agreement. I won’t post it here until Ab has had a chance to review and discuss with me, but I plan to make it a permanent part of the blog, on its own page, once we have both signed off. Hopefully it will serve as a good resource to couples looking to embrace a chastity lifestyle from a truly couple perspective.
I wrote this pretty much out of my head (I didn’t want to be influenced by other contracts) but now that it is in final draft form, I have gone and read a few other contracts that are posted here and there on the Internet. One thing I am struck by is that fact that I am viewing our chaste life together from a couple’s perspective, rather than “me” doing to “him.” I know that for many the notion of submission is a difficult one (is it a given in a chastity lifestyle?) and contracts that give the woman all the power and the man very little just beg to be seen through the lens of submission. I think I have addressed that issue carefully in the context of the way Ab and I live and will live our lives as a chaste couple.
Second, I have decided to not use the term “male chastity” (and similarly, “female chastity”) because, to me, that implies that he is chaste and I am not. That’s not the way it is working for us. We are living a chastity life together, both fully invested in what we are doing and what we are hoping to accomplish. As I say in the first paragraph, our chastity life can be summed up in one simple sentence: “Our pleasure is our mutual pleasure.” It’s not him or her to me…it’s us.
The one thing I am a little worried that Ab may balk at is the fact that I have phrased it in the context of “from this day forward, we will live this way.” I do see this as something we need to commit to for the forseeable future and maybe forever. What that actually means in terms of wearing a device and so on will evolve and change as we grow and mature in this lifestyle. To me, it is sort of like being a naturist. Even though I don’t go to clubs and beaches very often anymore, I’m still a naturist in my heart and ascribe to the principles of body acceptance that the naturist movement espouses (even if I don’t totally agree with some of their views on sexuality). Similarly, I don’t see chastity as a fad or phase—I think we are in for the long haul, however that actually plays out in the context of our day-to-day lives.
I’ll keep everyone posted on how this progresses.