Two New Pages February 20, 2011Posted by Dev in Correspondence.
Tags: administrivia, Kindle
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From the Mailbag: VII January 20, 2011Posted by Dev in Correspondence, Devices.
Tags: chastity lifestyle, female orgasm, vibrator
I received a nice email from Wilson—folks might remember his name, he’s the guy who won the Humbler in my limerick contest. He had a comment for my I am Addicted to Faking Orgasms post but for some strange reason, he couldn’t post it. I checked and comments are allowed so who knows what the glitch is. Anyway, rather than posting the comment on the post itself (which is several months old at this point) I thought I’d share it here because it was interesting. Without further ado:
I got here from your Birthday Wrap-Up post, so I’m a little late to the party, but isn’t that a great thing about blogs: the party is still going on!
Anyway, I have a couple of thoughts about this post:
First, regarding orgasm ability and the variation thereof among women:
I highly recommend the book Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex by Mary Roach.
At the start of one chapter, she recounts a fascinating story of how Princess Marie Bonaparte (great grand-niece of Napoleon) had trouble orgasming. She suspected the problem (or part of it) stemmed from the fact that her clitoris was three inches from her vaginal opening.
However, rather than just superstitiously going ahead and believing that, she tried to find out scientifically: she measured the clit-to-vagina distance of many (hundreds of?) women and compared that to their ability to orgasm through intercourse (and perhaps other ways – my memory is hazy).
I realize you’ve come (or are coming) to grips with your own situation in this regard, and I think that’s fabulous. I think you might still enjoy that story (and the rest of the book). There’s another good part, in which the author convinces her husband to have sex with her in a big scanner for some sex researchers.
Secondly, regarding The Joy of Sex:
Wow, did that cover bring back some memories! My parents had that book—my dad probably bought it—and from that (and his collection of issues of Penthouse Variations*), I had a pretty good—and very liberal!—sex education, despite the efforts of the public school system to give me a bad one**.
One of the best things about The Joy of Sex, in my opinion—and I know this isn’t to everyone’s taste—is that in the (many!) illustrations, the woman is drawn unshaved … all over! Okay, I don’t think the artist drew leg hair, but both her pussy and armpits are magnificently bushy.
It’s bad enough that US women have been shaving their armpits for almost a century (spurred on, I once read, by some product advertisement that, even then, managed to make women feel self-conscious about their natural bodies!), but the recent trend to have clean-shaven pudenda everywhere drives me to despair! (And don’t even get me started on the whole idea of labiaplasty!)
* This was back in the 80s, then that magazine hadn’t yet been watered down and could still be a big turn-on.
** And, to be truthful, despite my father’s efforts to hide his porn collection.
Thank you, Wilson! At one point, I had the sample for Bonk on my Kindle but somehow it got deleted. I am going to get it again and likely read it—I’ve heard about that book for awhile and it sounds like the type of thing I like. I really enjoyed Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers by the same author.
As for the clean shaven versus hairy look: well, we’ll just have to agree to disagree on that one.
* * * * *
The SaSi arrived yesterday. My preliminary review: slightly disappointed. Maybe I have dulled my nerves endings with my use of the Hitachi over the years, but the SaSi just didn’t seem to have much oomph. We’ll keep trying, of course—persistence is a key word here in the Devoted Lover Research Labs. Maybe I just haven’t figured out the right way to hold it, or something. I’ll report back after more extensive testing.
From the Mailbag: VI December 1, 2010Posted by Dev in Correspondence, Musings.
Tags: chastity outcomes, e-mail, masturbation, women and chastity
I received a great email the other day from a woman I’ll call “Leigh.” She started off by saying that reading my blog had been a wonderful experience for her—well, with an intro like that, naturally I am going to think that anything she has to say is great. LOL. Seriously, I really appreciate that she took the time to write and share her story—one that is becoming all too familiar.
Leigh explained that she and her husband have been married almost twenty years. Their children are in their late teens and pretty much independent, so Leigh and her husband have time for themselves again. Unfortunately, as she says, “the communication, feelings and love have been mediocre for some time.” She continues:
Our sex lives especially had become non existent and that is really the root of the problem. My husband simply was either not interested or couldn’t keep it up. This led to embarrassment and his pulling back. At my urging, he even went to several doctors and all could find nothing wrong. We tried Viagara (worked for awhile) but it too was a failure.
Then, a few weeks ago, she interrupted him in the shower and much to her surprise, found him masturbating with a nice erect cock. She was, in turn, stunned, embarrassed, and angry. She didn’t realize how much his masturbation habit was affecting their sex life; he had not been open about what he was doing. The more he masturbated, the more he covered up. Once again, a viscous circle.
Sound familiar? This is not the first time I’ve written about this problem!
Leigh started searching for a solution and came across male chastity. She noted that many of the blogs she read seemed to be pure fantasy: in her words “mistresses and slaves, etc.” But then she found my little scribblings and…
…your blog stood out as being from a real person with real experiences. I have read a good many of your entries (not all) and they truly make sense to me.
Thank you, Leigh!
After much discussion, Leigh and her husband purchased a CB-6000 which he is wearing now. She did note that she had some mixed feelings about chastity overall, but they were both willing to give it a try if it would help to restore the lost feelings and love. And now, just a few weeks later:
Anyway without your blog I probably would never had given this idea any serious consideration let alone actually try it. By the way our entire relationship has greatly improved in the past several weeks. We finally have some restored feeling and passion.
The last sentence is what made my day!
I have replied to Leigh privately but for other readers out there, I just wanted to make a few points.
- I really appreciate when someone takes the time to write and share their feelings, either in an email or as a comment to a post. Thank you! For email, in particular, I know how it feels to screw your courage up and put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) and share intimate details of your life. Please know that I respect what you have done and honor your bravery. I do respond to all emails I receive—fortunately, at present, the volume is not overwhelming so I am able to do so. So please, if something is on your mind, write and share what you are thinking.
- Leigh’s comment: “You stood out as being a real person with real experiences.” Yes, I am and every word in this blog is true. I’ve changed a few names but other than that, everything is the pure, unvarnished truth. My goal was and still is to share the experience Ab and I are having; one to document what we are going through and two, to help others. It makes my day to know that the latter goal is being achieved.
- I continue to be amazed at just how powerful chastity is as an intervention. Whether a couple approaches it as a game to spice up their sex life or as a possible solution to a problem, such as Leigh experienced, chastity seems to have a remarkable ability to bring couples closer together, get them talking, and help restore lost passion. It surprises me that more professionals, such as sex therapists, are not discussing chastity as an approach in sex therapy. I guess we’re all just pioneers…LOL.
In my email response to Leigh, I encouraged her and her husband, if he is so inclined, to come participate at the Chastity Forum. I offer that invitation to anyone here who is reading this, too. As I say in my introduction, we’re a fun and friendly bunch of like-minded folks—people who are exploring how chastity can work in a relationship. While blogs are great for sharing information and thoughts, the forum provides a nice place for real-time discussion and interaction. Come join us!
Greetings, SLOG and Savage Love Friends November 5, 2010Posted by Dev in Correspondence, Musings.
Tags: chastity lifestyle, chastity outcomes, Dan Savage, male chastity, women and chastity
As I noted in my previous post, Dan Savage had a letter in this week’s column about chastity. His answer wasn’t the best but I gave him credit for bringing up the topic and providing a few useful resources. I am sure Dan has zillions of readers of which I am only one. I figure if a few zillion pairs of eyes learn a little bit more about chastity, that’s a good thing.
I left a comment and a link to the blog. I had about six unique visitors who arrived from the Savage Love site shortly after I posted my comment.
Then yesterday, Dan published a letter in SLOG (his daily blog) from another reader, LOADED, who took him to task for his less than stellar answer. LOADED said:
A husband who tells his wife he wants to be locked in a chastity cage isn’t asking in code for more orgasms, or even just for greater intimacy, he’s asking to be sexually dominated in a specific way. Considering that this is a very difficult thing for a man to request, I’ll bet money that WIFE’s husband really does have this kink.
And he continued:
Like lots of other kinks, this one is surprising to lots of folks, but is real and specific.
Dan admitted that he blew it with his answer. And then, in his corrected answer he included this comment:
Several of the folks who jumped into the comments thread to slap me around just so happen to be married men whose wives just so happen to be keeping their cocks under lock and key—and they are all, of course, blogging about their experiences. If you’re wondering what it’s like to have your cock locked up—and “your cock” here can means the cock you were born with (because you’re a guy with a cock) or the cock you’ve locked up (because you’re a keyholder who has taken complete ownership of your partner’s cock), check out these informative, compelling, and well-written blogs:
Yay, Dan and wow! Two of my favorite blogs and ME! I almost fell over in a heap. Actually, I did fall over and am now just picking myself up to say something more gracious beyond “thank you.”
Looking at the site stats, I had 99 visitors from SLOG yesterday and 103 so far today…and today is barely nine hours old. Wowza! Welcome, new friends.
Please feel free to poke around. And as a bit of introduction…I started this blog back in August when my husband and I began our exploration of male chastity. Our case is a little bit different from many in that I suggested it to him and I suggested it, not because of a long-held fantasy or desire, but because of a hot story that I read that included chastity play. I couldn’t get the story out of my mind and before I knew it, I was surfing websites and looking at various chastity devices to buy. I locked my husband up on August 16th and we’ve been having a blast since then. We’re a little bit older—in our fifties—and have been married for 32 years. Chastity has been great in that it has definitely spiced up our sex life and got us talking about lots of things—not just sex. Improved communication and improved sex? What’s not to love? And, through this blog and my participation at The Chastity Forum, I’ve made several new friends, which is also great.
So, SLOG and Savage Love visitors, welcome. I’m glad you’re here. Please feel free to leave a comment—they are always welcome.
From the Mailbag: V November 3, 2010Posted by Dev in Correspondence.
Tags: Dan Savage, male chastity, orgasm denial
This wasn’t in my mailbag, it was in Dan Savage’s…he has a letter today on chastity. You can read it here. I think he gives an acceptably good answer—I’m not so sure that chaste men have more orgasms but they certainly seem to have more sex, at least from my sample of one. I am a little disappointed at the comment at the end about prostate cancer since chastity is really is not known to be a contributor to the disease, although there is lots of speculation and conjecture, but not much in the way of good science, at least that I have read. Unfortunately, people, especially those who are opposed to chastity, will read that and accept it as the Gospel truth. Oh well. But he does point to Sarah Jameson’s book as a resource and that’s helpful. And someone included a link for the Chastity Forum in the comments!
Yours truly left a comment. In case you can’t figure it out, I am #35 (with a correction in #36. Oops!). Commenter #37 obviously thinks I am nuts. LOL.
Update to add: I am also commenter #43. Thumper is there, and Belle. It’s a fun little party…!
From the Mailbag: IV October 19, 2010Posted by Dev in Correspondence, Musings.
Tags: devices, e-mail, games, male chastity, masturbation
I received this terrific message from one of my email friends…
I think for us that’s the key, I make sure she is taken care of 90%-95% of the time and when it’s unlock time there is no expectations of what to expect, that it is sort of my time and my orgasm and really…when I’m done I am so happy, so in love with her, it makes it all worth it. She loves what it does for us. I am 57 she is 43, and I was like all the other males out there (I enjoyed your ED/masturbate blog). I jacked off daily, sometimes maybe twice, and when it was time for her and I to be intimate I sometimes had issues (no wonder) and went to the good doctor for Viagra. I hated the side effects. Then we got into male chastity (my idea) oh ya BCWYAF! It drove me wild! All I wanted was out of it in the beginning, I was so horny all the time but we stuck with it and it is amazing what it has done for us (for me). I do not need the pills. She said it’s harder (my cock) than it used to be and sex is just better…Dev I can’t believe more couples don’t try male chastity. My attitude and habits have changed and I love it. It sucks wearing a chastity belt everyday but as I told her, every pinch, everytime I bump it, I sit to pee I think of her and how much I love her and happy we are doing this!
I am glad to know I am not the only person who thinks there is a holistic solution to ED. Thanks for this message, my friend!
* * * * *
More from the mailbag…some ideas for fun and games…
I thought I would pass along some “fun” things to do with the Jailbird…as I am a huge fan of some bondage my KH/GF bought some small link chain and 2 of the small Master padlocks at Home Depot and locked one of the padlocks and end of the chain to the JB cage and looped the other end around the bedpost slot and locked the chain with the other lock…took her about 1 minute and I was locked up!… ”There you go she said enjoy some lock up time,”….very effective and fast, she had me on about 8′ length of chain, I could walk around a little, lay down but I was not getting away….she went and read the paper…LOL
The idea of having a chain with a lock on the end of the Jailbird is incredibly hot…
Another friend wrote and commented on the masturbation issue that I had described in an earlier post…
So instead of keeping him from masturbating, help him do it—do it together, help him finish, and so on. The Tenga is an awesome toy to play with this. The more he gets back to thinking of his orgasms as something that happens with you, the better everything will be. It’s also not a bad thing to trade off—just like he gets you off without coming, you can return the favor—takes the pressure off him, and that pressure and anxiety is the real enemy. It also fits nicely into chastity play—you’re in charge, and when he comes, it will be with you. I like that approach myself.
I didn’t know what a Tenga was and discovered that they are a masturbation “egg” that apparently is all the rage in Japan. Naturally, because chastity is costing me a small fortune, I had to go and order up a six-pack from Amazon. Free shipping with Prime and they’ll be here tomorrow!
From the Mailbag: III October 10, 2010Posted by Dev in Correspondence, Musings.
Tags: chastity lifestyle, chastity outcomes, key holder, women and chastity
Another keyholder and I have been corresponding about this and that and we got on the subject of our chaste lives (not terribly surprising!). She made this comment:
I think we’ll just play as long as it’s fun, which currently seems to be for a very long time in the future. I really enjoy his added attentiveness towards me. I also enjoy ‘sex’ being as long or as short as I choose. I no longer have that feeling like, “If I start something I’m going to need to see it to the bitter end (his orgasm).” Now, that’s not an issue unless I want to make it an issue. Of course, not feeling like that’s required EVERY time you reach for him makes it more fun when you do let him out and it’s YOUR idea to take it to his orgasm. That’s so freeing.
Similarly, over at the Chastity Forum, kelmag had this to say about his relationship with his wife:
Talking with my wife about it, she told me that the biggest benefit she felt from it is the total relief from all pressure for sex from me, and particularly relief from the uncertainty of when I will ask her for sex. Just to show how oblivious even a man in a long term marriage can be, I was totally unaware of just badly my asking for sex several times a week impacted her quality of life. I was clueless. Moreover, she told me that for the first time she now feels free to show me physical affection, stroke my chest or massage my back or whatever without fearing that it will escalate into sexual activity that she doesn’t want. Needless to say, she is no longer distant on the couch when we watch a movie together. She is now perfectly comfortable curled beside me giving and receiving gentle strokes and caresses. That’s a big improvement in the quality of life for both of us.
I so completely agree with both these statements, as this is exactly how I feel. It is incredibly liberating to be able to enjoy closeness and tenderness without the added pressure of wondering if it is going to escalate to “the whole thing.” Not that I always disliked the whole package of sex—I didn’t. But sometimes—many times, actually—that’s not what I was in the mood for. I also think that sex in the “old” days (pre-chastity) had gotten pretty predictable to the point that it was, on occasion, boring. We’ve certainly spiced things up in recent weeks and made our intimate lives together a whole lot more interesting.
I think back to this blog post from a couple of weeks ago: my friend’s husband wasn’t necessarily looking for sex. He might have just wanted a little cuddling and tenderness. But we women become programmed to believe that sex is like a story: it has to have a beginning, middle, and an end. If we don’t feel like reading the story, we reject it from the start and hence, lose that opportunity for intimacy. The emotions that result from the rejection: frustration, anger, dissatisfaction are certainly not those that breed closeness and further intimacy. It is also a dynamic that very quickly can become a vicious cycle and one that would seem hard to break.
But a little bit of plastic or metal can alter that dynamic by 180 degrees and do so in an amazingly short period of time.
I say that with the caveat that I know chastity is not for everyone and if a relationship is really on the rocks, chastity is not going to fix it. Still, it is more than a little bit of amazing to me that we have a whole community of folks who are discovering that chastity can be a very powerful intervention that has the potential to bring about real and lasting change very quickly. It’s a win-win intervention, too, since for many of the men it’s a fantasy come true and very erotic while their wives reap the benefits as elucidated above. Even Ab, who didn’t seem to have a chastity fantasy (or if he did, he hasn’t told me about it) is quite hooked on wearing his Jailbird.
* * * * *
Speaking of, Ab was running from one room to the other yesterday and pulling on a nightshirt as he did so. We have a houseful of young people this weekend—as I mentioned, our daughter is home from college and when one or the other of our children are at home, their friends descend. Having all these kids around puts a damper on our naked wanderings, so that’s the reason that he was pulling on a nightshirt. I was here at “command central”—the kitchen table and my computer and caught a flash of the Jailbird on our cock before the shirt came down. Christ, that was hot! Too fast and quick to get a picture and certainly nothing that can be replicated. It’s just one of those images that will stay in my mind as a nice hot little memory. Thanks, honey.
Announcing ChastityForums.com September 26, 2010Posted by Dev in Correspondence, Musings.
Tags: chastity lifestyle, forums, Thumper
Thumper has started a new forum, ChastityForums.com. Yet another chastity blog or forum to keep up with, you say? Here’s his rationale and it makes sense to me…
I have decided to start a new forum for male chastity enthusiasts. I did this because the one I had previously endorsed has decided to start running some skeezy ads. That decision made me realize that I really have no idea who’s forum that was. There was just this mysterious “Admin” guy who showed up irregularly and didn’t really participate. Who is this guy? Is he one of us? What are his intentions? No idea.
So anyway, I know a little something about forums. And I like forums. So, start one I did. I hope you’ll join me and help make it the best place on the web for male chastity enthusiasts to discuss their lives. I’d prefer if the French maid outfit/sissy clitty crowd remain over on Chastity Mansion because they seem very happy there and, really, why not just leave it that way? Chastity Forums is for the rest of us. You know who you are.
Like Thumper, I like forums, too. Blogs are great for sharing opinions and so on, but if you really want to chat with someone, I think it is easier to do in a forum environment. So, I am very glad he decided to take this on.
I am already registered, as Dev (big surprise!) and you’ll definitely recognize my avatar. Do drop in and say hello!
From the Mailbag: II September 15, 2010Posted by Dev in Correspondence, Musings.
Tags: CB-6000S, chastity lifestyle, devices, key holder, male chastity, women and chastity
I received two interesting emails yesterday, both commenting on my posts from the past few days regarding Ab, our argument, and the wrinkles we are working on ironing out.
Both emailers said that the whole “cleaning the CB” issue was a diversion. One said that it was “bogus” and the other said it was a “red herring.” Either way, they both noted that Ab seems to using this as a way to have the key or know where the key was/is, ie, he is not completely giving up control. Maybe I made a tactical error in not pushing him harder to figure out how to clean the CB while he is wearing it. On the other hand, I have read posts from other men who say they remove it daily for cleaning so I don’t think I was completely off the mark. However, maybe the problem was that I let him have responsibility versus unlocking him to clean—but as I have mentioned before, our work schedules wouldn’t make that completely feasible. So whether or not I goofed, I don’t know but right now, I am going to let this one go. The Jailbird is on order and when that arrives, I’ll reestablish the rules of the game: no access to the key, taking it off only when I say. Since the Jailbird is metal and more open, he won’t be able to argue the cleaning angle with me.
Another comment one of my correspondents made is that Ab might be trying to “top from the bottom,” that is, he is trying to keep control. He says he wants to submit, he says he wants to be in charge but he seems to keep figuring out little ways to maneuver around this. The latest—and this was a little bit alarming—is that he says he is not sure he’s going to wear the CB at work during the day. “It doesn’t feel comfortable in my jeans,” he said. “When I was wearing shorts, it was fine but now that the weather has gotten cooler…” I must have given him a look because he added, “I suppose I could get baggier jeans. Or maybe start wearing sweat pants.” I am not quite sure about that latter comment. Sweat pants?
Anyway, I decided to not push on this, either at this moment because again—I sort of feel like the CB ship has sailed. If I didn’t have a Jailbird on order I might take a different approach. But, the Jailbird should be here in 10-18 days. My plan is to reestablish the game and the rules at that time. Knowing what I know now and having learned where Ab is going to push back, I know where I need to be stricter. No access to the key, no taking off without my express consent (and perhaps, only under my supervision). The specific things he has been complaining about: cleaning and size under jeans should no longer be an issue with the Jailbird. If he tries to make them an issue, I need to be firm and say, “Figure it out.” That may be a little hard for me (because I don’t want him to just throw up his hands and say, “I’m not playing anymore”). But I should stop worrying about that fear—I think that’s what’s holding me back from asserting the control that I need to have.
We’ll get there.
From the Mailbag: I September 4, 2010Posted by Dev in Correspondence, Musings.
Tags: chastity lifestyle, chastity outcomes, e-mail, key holder, Sarah Jameson, women and chastity
I received a very nice email yesterday from a woman who discovered my blog through Sarah Jameson’s newsletter. She wrote, “We are a similar couple.” She is married with two pre-teen daughters. Her husband has been wearing a chastity device for eleven months. They originally got it “for fun and to spice things up with some excitement.” That happened, but the she said the bigger benefit to her marriage was improved communication around feelings and ideas. She wrote:
[My husband] is really forced to keep a focus here. If I am not happy and I don’t want to play—he doesn’t either. He is thus highly motivated in keeping real communication open to enhance our relationship. The result has been that neither of us takes the other for granted and we really have to keep the understanding. The rest is easy.
I can definitely relate. As a matter of fact, Ab and I went through a very rough patch in our marriage this past winter. We were arguing—a lot—and since both of us are very conflict-avoidant, it was not a happy time for us. We finally turned the corner in May and have been working hard on good communication ever since. Our chastity explorations have enhanced this as we have been talking more and really sharing some deep and personal feelings. This is a good thing. It is also the point I was trying to make in my “I Had To Bite My Tongue” post from the other day. I think it is easy for couples to get into a communication rut. Sometimes, something drastic may be required to shift the dynamic of the conversation that is constantly repeating itself and not moving forward. Chastity might be an appropriate option for some couples, as my email correspondent so clearly showed.
She added that she and her husband are not into BDSM or a slave/master relationship (the latter is definitely true for me; as for BDSM, I have been known to tie my husband up on occasion, most recently as last night—I think of it as “BDSM-lite”). She did say that by being his keyholder she does have control in the bedroom—and she likes that.
Sarah Jameson warned me to expect email from weirdos and I am sure I will receive plenty of that. But, it was refreshing that my first private message did come from someone who is totally sane and normal—just like me. I’ve replied privately but here’s a public shout-out: Thanks for taking the time to write.